Most of us got over our bacon phases in 2008, a year after Internet darling J&D's Foods introduced bacon salt, the spice mix that gives everything that nice smokey flavor. Looking back, it can be kind of embarrassing, actually. Yes, the perfect bacon is magical, with its simultaneous crunch and chew, but is it so amazing that it deserved all the fanfare the Internet gives it? No, not at all.
So, by 2011, nearly all of us moved on, and we were better for it. But every few months, I'm reminded that not everyone's looked past the belly of the beast. At first, I tried to ignore it, but I just can't anymore. I can't.
So I'm just going to say it. Internet, if you're still blindly enamored with bacon, you're an embarrassment.
Now, before you read any further, let me make a few things clear. Yes, I know bacon backlash happened a few years ago, and this rant seems a little late. But you know why I'm writing it now? It's because two days ago, I got an e-mail telling me that I could buy a bacon-scented pillowcase.
That was the final straw. Yes, there have been some extreme bacon products released. Last month, you could buy bacon mustache wax. Last year, someone sent me a package of bacon deodorant. And don't get me started on bacon weaves. But a pillowcase? That's where I draw the line.
The narwhal has baconed at midnight for so long it's dead. It's dead, and the salt water was has cured its belly meat, and another narwhal has swum along and eaten that belly meat and it also has died.
That's how dead bacon is.
We're past the point where the Internet hype has removed the real life appeal from bacon. I can't seriously order bacon at a restaurant anymore without feeling a slight shade of shame. It's good, and in plenty of preparations it's perfect, but the Internet has ruined me. I only hope not forever.
So, I plead to you, Internet, the next time you're think about LOLOLBACON, please just stop. Make it so it's not worthwhile to make bacon pillows and bacon wax anymore. I have all the love for the people at J&D, but their other food is good too so try that instead.
And maybe, just maybe, one day the rest of us don't have to be embarrassed to eat bacon.
— Charles Lam