Hypocritic Oath

John McCaslin's Jan. 19 “Inside the Beltway” column in The Washington Times—the Moonie paper—reports that Representative Christopher Cox(R-Newport Beach) is miffed over a 17-page memo released by Democrats on the Homeland Security Committee he chairs. The minority members supply a laundry list of homeland-security gaps, something Cox characterizes as “unacceptable amateurism.” Just to be clear: releasing the laundry list of homeland-security gaps is what Cox finds unacceptable amateurism, not the security gaps themselves. “Substituting rhetoric for responsible oversight will ultimately harm America's security,” warns Cox, adding that the memo's “pointed criticism of President Bush's leadership is as unnecessary as it is counterproductive.” He knows of pointed, rhetorical, unacceptable, amateurish, counterproductive criticism directed toward a president's leadership—or did you already forget about that 1999 Cox Report that recklessly bashed Bill Clinton and Wen Ho Lee?

ALL IN THE FAMILY When it comes to responsible, acceptable professional Republican criticism of Dubya's Jan. 20 State of the Union speech, in-party disagreement with his proposal to legitimize undocumented workers is what gets the most play in the mainstream media. Meanwhile, readers, viewers and listeners are fed nadafrom GOP members critical of Dubya's stance on the sanctity of marriage. To recap, Bush said (or read), “Activist judges, however, have begun re-defining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives. On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process.” That spurs Washington, D.C.-based Log Cabin Republicans, the nation's largest gay Republican organization, to warn Bush “that engaging in a culture war is a recipe for defeat.” Says executive director Patrick Guerriero, “George W. Bush was elected in 2000 by bringing Americans together. State of the Union addresses should be used to unite all Americans around the nation's highest priorities. Americans are threatened by terrorism and job uncertainty—not gay and lesbian families.” Guerriero vows Log Cabin “will not stand by while anyone attempts to write discrimination into the Constitution” and reminds his fellow Republicans “that if you truly support family values, you must value all families.” FOR THE LOVE OF DICK The U.S. Senateapproves a bill on Jan. 22 that allows Richard Nixon's White House papers to go to his presidential library in Yorba Linda. That same day, the Boston Globereports that Republican staff membersof the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee infiltrated Democratic committee members' computer files for a year, monitoring secret strategy memos and periodically passing on copies to right-wing media. The more dirty tricks change, the more they stay the same. MO' MONEY, MO' MONEY Remember how our Jan. 16 installment included a reproduction of Manteca resident Richard Curran's $2003 bill featuring Dubya's mug to honor the capture of Saddam Husseinand the slayings of Uday and Qusay Hussein? That prompted this counterpoint currency from Costa Mesa artist Brenda Bradac, who boasts that her 9-11 Deception Dollar is much better. We couldn't agree more. And just so you know, Clockwork also gladly accepts checks and credit cards—but no Diner's Club. MUST-NOT-SEE TV Ladies and gentlemen, your Anaheim Angels, who won the World Series two seasons ago and shocked the baseball world again this off-season by stocking up on some of the game's best players, is once again saddled with the sport's worst television package. Professional teams play 162 regular-season games, but on Jan. 21, KCAL/Channel 9decided it will broadcast only 40 games over the public airwaves, and Fox Sports Netpicked up another 50 games for cable. The 90-game total is the lowest of any Major League team. Don't blame can-do Angels owner Arte Moreno, who has already given fans back cheaper beer, the Big A and a reason to believe. Moreno inherited this bag-of-shit TV contract from those nimrods at Disney, who could not be reached for comment as they were busy driving the once-proud Mighty Ducksfranchise further into the ground or ice or whatever the hell it is they keep losing on across the street at the Pond. As for the Angels, spokesman Tim Meadtried to put a happy halo on the situation, telling the Los Angeles Times the team is holding off publication of a TV schedule because they believe it can still be greatly expanded. Stay tuned—if you can even find the damn thing on the dial. TWO JEWS WALK INTO A THEATER . . .After two Jewish leaderssneak into a Jan. 22 sneak-preview screening of The Passion of the Christ, which apparently presents ultraviolent images of Jesus of Nazareth's crucifixion, they accuse the Mel Gibson-directed film of being anti-Semitic, with one saying he “walked away shocked that what it does is reinforce the classic medieval notion that the Jews killed Christ.” But Christian pastorswho did not have to sneak into the screening—being invited and all—tell Julia Duinof The Washington Times(did we mention it's the Moonie paper?) The Passionis not anti-Semitic. So there you have it: the Jews are wrong. In other news, David Dukeannounces the Confederate flag is not racist, so it isn't. TV PARTY TONIGHT While awaiting callbacks from American TV moguls about our pitch for a daytime Live With Regis and A Clockwork Orange, we take a meeting on Jan. 22 with Emily Huddof London-based At It Productions. She's producing a 26-minute documentary on “the real Orange County” to promote The O.C.'s upcoming debut on British television's T4 channel. After filming the cast and crew in Hermosa Beach, where the Fox show set in Orange County is actually shot, Hudd made the drive down here, where, besides us, she chatted up a Newport Harbor High School vice principal and a Newport Beach party planner(to determine if real Newport parties are as fab as the show's). She also talked with an Orange County Register editorabout the paper's use of teens to review The O.C.—in exchange for Hudd consenting to the Reg writing about her doing a story on the real Orange County. READ IT AND WEEP A press release lands in our mailbox on Jan. 22 promoting an invention by Fullerton resident Victor Gonzalez. With his Remaker of Soap, you put slivers of used soap in a mold and create a full-size bar by mooshing the pieces together with a hand-held press. Don't worry about this remarkable product causing any confusion: you'll still be able to tell which soap is new and which is recycled by the preponderance of pubes protruding out of one. This is not, however, the worst idea we heard all week. That honor goes to the major, Orange County-based, somewhat-family owned newspaper chain that, in reaction to your favorite alternative weekly, will publish its own weekly focusing on local arts and entertainment while giving plenty of ink to its own advertisers. It'll be called Weekly Advertiseror Advertiser Weeklyor Greetings From Hell. We don't know whether to be flattered or offended, but we do think our pals at OC Metrooughta sue over the theft of their editorial model—except for the local arts and entertainment part.

New Column!

FURTHER PROOF THERE IS NO GOD

If there was a God, would He really be extending Evan Marriott's 15 minutes of fame? If there was a God, former Dana Point construction worker Marriott would have slithered back into obscurity after his stint as the robotic stud on ABC's Joe Millionaire. If there was a God, Marriott's mug would not be filling the big screen starting Jan. 31, when the family film Moto X Kidsopens at five Los Angeles-area Loews Cineplex Theatres.

The only evidence proving there might be a God: the distributor's assurance that there are currently no plans to show this steaming pile of celluloid—which also stars Lorenzo Lamas, Gary Busey and a chimp—in Orange County.