DEAR MEXICAN: I’m not a huge soccer fan, but I always get excited about the World Cup. In preparation for this event next year, I wanted your opinion on who my wife and I should root for if the U.S. were to play Mexico. I’m a fourth-generation Mexican-American. Spanish was never spoken at home, but thanks to our amazing public school system, I rarely need a translator when I speak to Spanish-speaking parents (I’m an administrator at an amazing public school). My wife grew up speaking Spanish and was raised in a home that was culturally Mexican. We both feel comfortable participating in events that are very Mexican and very American. Last night, I asked my wife who she should root for if the U.S. played Mexico. She wasn’t sure. I told her I wasn’t sure either and that we should ask for your advice. What do you think? Who should we root for? Who would you root for? Who do you think your grandkids will root for?
Sueño Humido del Hombre Hispánico-Americano
DEAR WET DREAM OF THE POCHO MAN: I always root for the United States when it plays in Mexico, and Mexico when it faces off against the U.S. in el Norte, but only because I want to see the home fans in agony because I’m a cabrón like that. You can root for either side, though, because they’re both going to flame out in the quarterfinals of el Mundial next year, anyway. About the only things fans can look forward on either side to is to see which player has enough huevos to kick Putin where Trump’s lips left a giant chupón.
* * * * *
DEAR MEXICAN: I’m not searching for relationship advice, Mexican; just wondering why there is no love between Honduras and Mexico.
DEAR CHUBBY CATRACHA: Mexicans might despise Salvadorans and have no use for Guatemalans, but Hondurans? We play “Sopa de Caracol” at all our parties, don’t we?
* * * * *
DEAR MEXICAN: My understanding, lo these many years, is that Mexicans cannot give up their Mexican citizenship. I understand that under Mexican law, a natural-born Mexican is never legally allowed to claim exclusive other citizenship and that Mexico will not recognize U.S. embassy legal process in Mexico on behalf of a Mexican naturalized as a U.S. citizen who is present in Mexico. Is that correct?
August in Austin
DEAR GABACHO: You’re listening to too much Alex Jones. The Mexican Constitution says native-born Mexicans can never lose their nationality, which is just a fancy way for Mexico to claim more people subject to its authority—an important point we’ll use before the New World Order tribunal in a couple of years to re-establish Aztlán.
* * * * *
DEAR MEXICAN: In 1990, some of my Mexican friends told me it cost $500 to come from Mexico with a coyote. Recently, a friend from Tamazunchale told me it now costs $2,500. How much of this money, paid to the coyotes, goes to Border Patrol Employees?
El Pollo Loco
DEAR GABACHO: Just $2,500? Try $5,000 to start, all thanks to Trump’s immigration policies. And Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly had the gall to take credit for the jacked-up prices. That’s like a big-game hunter saying the antelope over his fireplace worked extra-hard to get there.
* * * * *
SPECIAL THANKS TO: Maricela and Daniel, two helpful Mexicans at Holy Sepulcher Cemetery in Orange who helped this Mexican find another Mexican’s grave. May the Santo Niño de Atocha bless ustedes for your good work, and may you bury this Mexican with a bottle of mezcal when it’s time for me to go to the great DESMADRE in the sky. . . .