It is not the myriad sexual harassment allegations threatening the continued dominance of flavor savers as chick magnets that spurred the American Mustache Institute to yank its endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain today.
No, it's much more serious than that.
The nonprofit charity is instead pointing to its own damning allegations.
With tongue firmly planted in follicled-undercarriage cheek, St. Louis, Missouri-based AMI has found “that Cain's mustache is not real, but actually a theater quality upper
lip garment, and not the labia sebucula (Latin for 'lip sweater') he
claims to have worn since his early 20s.”
What tipped the upper lip sodded organization off that something was amiss was not a bottled blonde sitting next to a screeching Gloria Allred but a trip to a Cross Junction, Va., Godfather's Pizza, which is part of the chain CEO Cain once lorded over. An “All Meat Combo” was ordered, but much to the mustachioed munchers' surprise, the pie that came out of the oven “had limited meat on it at best.”
“Do you understand what 'piled so high with beef, pepperoni, sausage,
ham and bacon bits that there's no room for any veggies' really
means?” asks the group in reference to the All Meat Combo product description. “Cain clearly does not.”
That led the American Mustache Institute down a trail of deceit that ended right above Cain's top lip. “The evidence continues to mount that his mustache is a fraud,” claims Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman, AMI's CEO, in a statement released this morning to a sneering press.
This pains AMI because had Cain won the White House, he would have been the first mustached American president of the United States since William Howard Taft left office in 1913. (Bess Truman's mustache does not count.)
We're still waiting for the news conference where the candidate reads his prepared statement saying the accusations are baseless, only he'll have crossed out “a half dozen chicks” and written in “shady mouth shading advocates.”
Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the paper’s first calendar editor. He went on to be managing editor, executive editor and is now senior staff writer.