God Smack

There's a fabtabulous Bible quizgoing around the Net (www.worldviewweekend.com; click on Take the Quiz!).And it seems that even though I took a couple of other Bible quizzes to control for bias—hard ones, asking how Jamesis related to Zebadiahand such—and outscored 77 percent of all other quiz takers even after I skipped a bunch 'cause I got bored, meaning I am a chicaCatlicaBible bad-ass, well, to the goodly folks at Worldview Weekend, I scored four. Out of 170. That works out to a muy-godly2 percent!

“You are a socialistworldviewthinker,”thundered the site. No shit? Then the goodly folks at Worldview Weekend offered to send my children to BibleCampto bolster their scores and, while they're at it, hopefully keep them from catching TheGay.

Here are a few of the many questions I answered incorrectly:

“The founding fathers had no biblical reason in mind when they made America a Constitutional Republic instead of a pure democracy.” (Read JohnAdamsand ThomasJeffersonif you want some slammingspin on the pious Christ-ies.)

“The Bible states that the government does not bear the sword in vain. Numerous verses throughout the Bible make it clear that capital punishment administered by the government for those that have committed capital crimes is biblically acceptable.”

“When you study the Bible as a whole, it becomes clear that God is very supportive of an economic system that is based on private property, the work ethic and personal responsibility.”

“The most biblically based tax system would be one based on a flat tax system where everyone pays the same percentage of their income in taxes.”

Jesus, by way of SteveForbes?What was that thing about the poor widow giving her two pennies again? Also, something about a camel and rich men and how they won't be entering the Kingdom of God? It's right on the tip of my incorrect tongue.

I know, I know. I never shut up about the Christ-less Christians these days, and I'm sure it's really getting old. But it's important to note I never usedtorag on them. While other, less-tolerant people sniffed about “Christians” in a horrible monolithically smearing sneer, I regarded all religions—even creepy culty ones like the Scientologistsand TBN—asbeneficial in their aims of getting people to be good.As far as I was concerned, they were free to be you and me!

But now they want my HBO!

And as God is my witness, I will never go hungry again!

Alaska Senator TedStevensis opening his stupid yap about how cable (and pay stations, like my HBO and its also-rans) should have to follow the same indecency regulations as regular over-the-airwaves stations (which are granted a piece of what's a finite spectrum as part of the public trust). Those are the same stations currently censoring Buster the Bunnyas he hops his way to children around the country (some of whom have two mommies) so as to keep on the good side of the new secretary of education—the bestest secretary of education ever!—Margaret Spellings.They're also pussy-footing around all the nudity and cussing—or “freedoms,” as I like to call them—for which our soldiers foughtand died!Was it so long ago that Moonlightingbroke both the “bitch” and “asshole” barriers in one divine episode? Now, say goodbye to all that, so the networks won't get whomped with half-a-million-dollar fines from the nanny brigade. Do you know what the fine is for dumping nuclear waste? Baby, it's 60 grand.

And while we're on two mommies, sort of, our happiest congratulations go out to DanSavageand his partner, Terry,who recently celebrated 10 years together with a great big party. You can read the lovely story of how they adopted their son in Savage's book TheKid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Get Pregnant: An Adoption Story.Congratulations, Dan and Terry! Sorry the rest of the country's such a prick!

Remember a few years ago? When the economy was rocking and we used our military to stop genocide (and rescue seals after the wreck of the Exxon Valdez) and people thought the gays were kind of nice because people were realizing they actually knew some? Those were good times.

Now health care's appreciating like OC real-estate speculation, veterans are getting charged a new $230 “fee” to enroll in the VA,and gays are this year's teachers unions. Of course, teachers unions are this year's teachers unions, too: bashing teachers unions never goes out of style. Just ask union-member-in-good-standing (I checked) ArnoldSchwarzenegger.

You maybe could have last week, when he came to town to stump for his education cuts, but I don't know if they would have let you get that close. Me, I talked to his communications guy, RobStutzman,and it went a littlesomethinglike this.

Me:Hey, Stutzman!

Stutzman:Hey! Ha, ha!

Me:I wanna come up to Sacramento and see you guys!

Stutzman:Yeah, come up and see us!

Me:Can I get some time with the governor?

Stutzman:No. But come up and see us!

Me:What, see you through awindow?


There were about five minutes after Schwarzy got elected where I hoped he could be a ThirdWaykind of mushy centrist instead of a big giant Republicanschmuck.Maybe he could really show some independent leadership and not go after teachers, nurses, cops and firemen! I hoped this because the Republicans I knew were in despair at the thought of his grabbing the ring. (Heh, heh. I said “grabbing.”)

At least he's a social liberal, right? And it's not like he would follow the trend du jour of permitting pharmacists to not dispense your prescription for thePillif they don't like them no birth control. (Note to RalphReed:y'all went all stealth with the school boards in the '80s; I'm thinking the time is ripe for you guys to stack the pharmacology colleges!) Arkansas, South Dakota and most recently Mississippi have all explicitly made it legal for pharmacists and doctors to refuse to dispense or prescribe the Pill. That might not mean much here, but try going to Fuck-All,Kansas,where there's one pharmacist, and he's related by marriage to the ReverendFredPhelps.

But then there Schwarzenegger is, cutting education and fucking seniors and breaking every promise he's ever made (and some that he hadn't, for good measure)—all so you could get your $130 car tax back.

And that, somehow, brings me back to babies. I think.

I'm all for babies. I'm even pro-life (just ask some of the thoughtful pro-choice kids who think there's too much oxygen on this planet if I'm still breathing—that, young, pissed-off friends, is the kind of thing AnnCoultersays). I believe the children are our future, even. And right now everyone'spregnant: TallDrinkofWaterCherGreenleaf;my sister Sarah(with twins!); my colleague NickSchou'slovely wife, Claudia;ShawnJones(wife of the devil-worshiping son of a preacher man); even MayravSaarat TheOrangeCountyRegisteris preparing for the birth of some Regspawn.

No point to that. Just a shout-out.

So what's with all our fine friends on the other side of the aisle loving children so much they'll shield their ears from the loneliest stray fuckand their eyes from breasts like the ones that nurtured them, and then chopping education and health care for kids and daycare? I guess they love their children—like AlanKeyesand his out daughter, Maya—untilthey catch the Gay. Thine left eye offendeth thee, Alan? Well, pluck it out, dude! See? I do, too, know my Word.


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