Christmas is a lame holiday celebrating the fake birthday of some guy who probably never even existed. And that's just one reason why it sucks, which is why January 8 is a way better day to get your party on.
For those who don't know, January 8 is Elvis Presley's birthday. Depending on which camp you reside in, either Elvis would have been 77 years young this Sunday or he is turning 77 years young (by that, I mean either you think he died Aug. 16, 1977, or you think he is still alive). Personally, no straight man on this planet loves the King of Rock 'n' Roll more than I do (although rumor has it Elvis is even more popular on Uranus), but even I don't think he's still living. I sure as hell wish he was, but that's another story.
A few years ago, some friends coined a term called “Elvismas” and instantly I knew they were onto something. As a total atheist-leaning agnostic who hates standing in crowded lines at the mall even more than he hates all the religious aspects of Christmas, instantly I knew that Elvismas was something I could get behind.
I understand this holiday is new to you, so to help I'm offering these five tips that will get you in the Elvismas spirit. And if none of these work, you could always fall back on the unspoken sixth rule, which more or less equates to getting shitty drunk until you pass out. But I guess you don't really need Elvismas to do that.
1. Buy Someone a Car
Unfortunately, the Honda Days are over and I've already forgotten the December to Remember, but there's still hope that someone in this godforsaken country of ours will get a brand new automobile for absolutely no reason at all. It hasn't been done since Elvis bought random strangers Cadillacs (or something like that. They tell you all that stuff at Graceland, but who can keep track?), but you could change that. I've got six dollars to my name, so I ain't buying anyone shit, but Elvismas isn't about how much money I don't have. It's about giving away cars because that's what Elvis did. So come on people–buy me a freakin' Cadillac already. I will more than gladly accept if you do.
2. Pop Pills
Xanax is fun, but don't drink alcohol with it. Valium's always a party if your definition of “party” is drooling on yourself. Vicodin is…well, Vicodin is fucking awesome, ok? But I don't know why I'm recommending pills on Elvismas. For those who don't know, the King was a “Federal Agent-At-Large” and an honorary police officer in numerous parts of the country. He most certainly wouldn't approve of anyone taking pills. Unless, of course, those pills were prescribed by a licensed medical doctor. That's totally different.
3. Eat a Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich
Look, we've all heard the jokes about Elvis and peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Ha ha ha. But have you tried one? They rule. Granted, the King had his staff grill his and word around the campfire is that–like potato chips–he couldn't eat just one, but you can. And you should. Have you seen the recipe? Do you know how much butter the recipe calls for? Two tablespoons? For one sandwich? Geez…it's amazing the guy never got fat.
4. Wear A Jumpsuit
When I say “wear a jumpsuit,” I don't mean one of those Dickies mechanic types you get at the 5-for-10 t-shirt outlet. I'm talking a goddamned bedazzled jumpsuit with a motherfucking cape. Everywhere you go on Elvismas, you should walk through the entrance, get down on one knee, spread your cape and wait for legions of women to kiss you on the cheek. It worked for Elvis and I'm totally amazed that I've never tried it myself. God knows I need all the help I can get in that department.
5. Listen to the All-Elvis Channel on SiriusXM Radio
So maybe you don't know this, but SiriusXM has an all-Elvis channel that — you guessed it — plays nothing but the King 24/7. It's one of the pre-set stations in my car and I highly recommend it if you've always wanted to hear the ninth take of Suspicious Minds recorded in Elvis' hallway. Actually, on second thought, this entry sounds too much like a commercial for SiriusXM and we both know they ain't paying me shit, so I don't care if you listen or not.