Comedian Lahna Turner might have the sweetest, most innocent voice we've ever heard. But when you listen to the words that actually flow out of that pretty mouth of hers, it's all filth- fueled funny. Packing the comedy clubs from coast to coast with her guitar in tow, Turner belts out tunes that would make your parents cringe and make one instantly cover their kid's ears. Well, maybe not her two kids, son August and daughter April. With this weekend's gig at the Ontario Improv promising to be packed with musical hysteria, we got naughty song-singing Lahna to give us a mother's perspective on the “5 Songs You Should NEVER Sing To Your Kids.”
5. Mickey Avalon, “My Dick”
Lahna Turner: This song gets really stuck in my head because I go up on stage to it so, it's kind of like a running theme in my mind. It's so damn good. Kids will sing anything because they don't really know. Well, August will know but his perception is more like, my dick sometimes gets bigger and I don't know why! Then again, [my son] August is no stranger to cursing. He's got a bit of a potty mouth and that mostly comes from daddy. We're working on that. August is a very boyish boy and he's very fixated on his pee-pee so if I played it for him, he'd probably be singing it nonstop for the rest of his life. You should hold off on this song for as long as possible because there's also that one line that's like, “Your dick has HIV.” Then they'd be like, “Mommy, what's the HIV?” and that's a whole other song!
4. Nine Inch Nails, “Closer”
I think this one of the greatest rock songs of all times! You hear it and you're immediately like, hell yeah! But you really don't want your kids singing this song. I mean, even on the radio it is like, “I wanna fuck you like an animal!” So they could hear it and not get it, but you don't want them to say it for real because they might repeat it. Unless maybe you want a call from the school. So far we've been lucky to not get a call but this song is pretty up there on songs you don't want to sing around your kids or let them hear just in case.
Obviously you can't sing "Sexy Mother Fucker” for your kids! These are all pretty obvious though. I saw Prince recently and it was an awesome show. I definitely want my kids to become fans. I'd love to bring them to a Prince concert because doesn't get any better than that, but, you know. It's such good music but it's kind of like AC/DC, which is also so great but, "She was a fast machine she kept her motor clean” just doesn't work for kids. I actually think it would be really funny though to see a little kid walking around going, "Sexy mother fucker, shaking that ass, shaking that ass, shaking that ass.” So cute.
2. Khia, "My Neck My Back (Lick It)”
The funny thing is that I have always loved cats and I used to rip pictures out of magazines and hang them all over the walls in my bedroom. One day I wrote the word "pussy” and I put it at the very top of all of the pictures of my cats. My sister, who is four years older than me, walked into the room and started laughing and said, "You don't know what pussy means.” I started to cry and ran to my mom and was like, "Stacey told me something terrible about pussy!” So I think that if the kids were walking around singing, "My neck. My back. My pussy and my crack,” they wouldn't really know. Plus they could think she is really saying, "My neck, my back. My pussy and my cat.” Kids take things so literal and since she does say "lick” in the song too, kids might think that it's OK to lick the real cat. Then you'll come home and they'll be licking the cat. Or licking the cat's crack. That's really why you don't want to sing this song to your kids!
1. Lahna Turner, "Anything I sing on stage”
Yeah, you don't want to play the "Anne Frank and Helen Keller Duet”. Although, it's interesting from a historical perspective if you want to help your kids pass a fifth grade history exam. I also don't think you want to play the "Long Schlong” song or "This Time” because, "If you're wrong you can suck my dick and if you're right you can suck my balls.” I don't think it's particularly kid-friendly. I like my dirty dick songs to be real dirty dick. I don't want fake Taylor Swift dirty dick songs, I want you to actually know about dirty dick! I'm actually pretty sure that Taylor Swift knows about dirty dick but she pretends she doesn't and that's why she gets on our nerves so much. She probably knows more about it than we do by now. Really Taylor. You're a dirty bitch. Stop pretending you're not!
Get ready for a sing along August 22nd through 25th at the Ontario Improv with Lahna Turner, 4555 Mills Circle Ontario Mills Ontario, 91764, (909) 484-5411. For tickets go to www.Improv.com. Make sure you tune into Perfect 10 Podcast and be on the lookout for her new comedy special and album. Get more info on www.LahnaTurner.com and follow her on Twitter: @LahnaTurner.