Ohhhh, Lindsay Lohan. There is so much we can say about this hot mess of a chick but really, is there enough time to express it all? Not in this lifetime. After a slew of bad choices like stealing, lying, horrendous driving, and committing tons of wardrobe felonies, Lindsay's latest debacle includes getting arrested for allegedly punching a gypsy in the face. Oh yeah, we just heard that saying “gypsy” is a new “racist term” so we're soooo sorry for using the “g-word.” Anyway, from what TMZ is reporting, Lindsay's acting out this time because she is pounding two bottles of vodka a day and dabbling in coke one again. And then there are also Lindsay's new issues with the IRS being hot on her trail. Damn, girl. Is it true? We wouldn't be surprised because she is a straight up certifiable disaster.
The point is, we all know that being a celebrity gets you preferential treatment from law enforcement (I mean really, us common folk would practically be lifers with her rap sheet) and with rumors of jail time swirling for Lilo, we thought we'd do her a solid in case she actually does head to the clink. It comes in the form of a list of songs that could help her get though any impending jail time. But not to worry Linds, we'll make the list quick because we are well aware that being a celebrity also gets you out of jail quickly for “overcrowding.” At the end of the day we're guessing that she figures (like the rest of us) that she'll get off. Come to think of it, she'd probably get off in jail because, you know…the ladies. But just in case, here's our list of Five Songs To Get Lindsay Lohan Through Jail Time.
5. Fiona Apple, “Criminal”
All you have to do is listen to the first six words of this song and you'll know that Fiona's been a “bad bad girl.” At least she can admit it! Lindsay on the other hand, she'd have to listen to those very words ad nauseam to realize that she's been pretty fucking naughty because at this point, she seems pretty clueless. Maybe she hasn't been careless with a delicate man like Fiona but she has in fact been careless with…well, just about everything in her life. Oh, and she is a criminal.
4. Justin Timberlake, “Losing My Way”
“Can anybody out there hear me? Cause I can't seem to hear myself.” That line in this Justin Timberlake song should speak volumes at this point. The media watches Lindsay's every move and every slip. And since everyone out here hears and sees her cries for help, now it's Lilo's turn to hear it. She should relate to Justin's preverbal cry for wanting to be saved and realize that she is only doing it to herself. Or…Lindsay can just listen to Justin and think about how hot he is. Better yet, she could think about how hot she used to be in pictures. Now we only think about Lindsay's mug shots. Do you really want that girl? We didn't think so.
3. Madonna, "Papa Don't Preach"
Long gone are the days of The Parent Trap but it seems like Lindsay will always be trapped with awful parents. We're not blaming her folks for everything because after all, Lindsay is an adult with her own brain. Just saying that maybe if her parents did a little more preaching and a little less pimping out their own kid, well you just never know what could have been. That being said, this song should resonate as the hours fly by in her (larger than most) cell because she has finally gone too far and is "in trouble deep.” In regards to the song, I guess we can at least be thankful that there isn't a baby involved. Can you imagine? Oh the humanity!
2. Neil Diamond, "Forever In Blue Jeans"
Of course we couldn't pass up the chance to slip in a little romance should Linds get a worthy cell mate who happens to look hot in a jean jumpsuit. Hey, we all know it isn't out of the question! Should the moment strike when the moon light glimmers though the bars of her window and the scent of pruno from one cell over dances through the air like perfume, Lindsay can get all wrapped up to this Neil Diamond classic. She can close her eyes and think of the freedom to be with whoever she wants by the fireside…when she is not locked up. Maybe Neil will give her the inspiration that she needs. Who knows? Stranger things have happened…to her that is.
1. Depeche Mode, "Policy of Truth”
Ms. Lohan should have no problem relating to what Depeche Mode said with, "Never again is what you swore the time before.” The problem? She didn't take it as a sign. We're sure along with her preferential treatment in jail she'll get her iPod and she should make sure that this Depeche Mode hit is loaded up and ready for replay. After all Linds, "It's too late to change events. It's time to face the consequence. For delivering the proof. In the policy of truth.” Go ahead and crank it up Lindsay and sing like a little jail bird!
Although you may not be able to tell, we certainly wish the best to Lindsay Lohan and sincerely hope that she gets on the path to a better life for her and what's left of her adoring fans. Oh and of course, we hope the music helps!