A couple of years ago, a friend gave me the above tequila bottle. I've kept it over the years because it's decorative, but the image has about as much to do with tequila as the Finns. It's an Aztec warrior–but tequila wasn't created until long after the fall of Tenochtitlán, and then by Spaniards (the Nahua drank pulque and xocolatl, among other intoxicating beverages). An Aztec would sooner associate themselves with the Chichimecas than the drink.
My friend bought it for me in Baja, at some gabacho tourist trap. Seeing it the other day reminded me that tequila, perhaps more than any other liquor, comes in all types of bottle shapes, from the stately (the long, sleek, amber-or-blue-hued Corralejo, the stout, square-shaped Herradura, the big, thick Freudian hard-on of a Cazadores) to the stupid. The above bottle is the latter category (although the tequila, surprisingly, wasn't bad, although of no name brand). After the jump, four more silly bottles. This post, by the way, makes no pretensions of judging the actual taste of the tequila–we just care about the bottles here, son! But if some of you have tried these tequilas, and they are ambrosia, do let us know in the comments and defend its honor.
Now, the rogues' gallery…
2. Casta Gusano
Never mind the fact that it's mezcal that traditionally features the worm at the bottom of the bottle.
3. Tequila XQ
Nothing too offensive about the bottle, other than its ugliness.[4. KAH Tequila
Tequila and Día de los Muertos are two Mexican traditions that hipsters are starting to ruin stateside–but they're virtually mutually exclusive. Día de los Muertos finds its most energetic following in the areas around Mexico City (where pulque traditionally ruled) and Oaxaca, the land of the seven moles and smoky mezcal. Tequila, of course, is from Los Altos de Jalisco, where the denizens sneer on Día de los Muertos as an indio pendejada. Not only that? Those tequila bottles above are garish and much scarier-looking than any possible corpse.
5. AK-T Tequila
I couldn't find a big-enough picture of this brand, but it's exactly what you think it is: tequila in a bottle the shape of an AK-47. Never mind that these cuernos de chivo are originally Russian, or that they've brought nothing but misery to Mexico–hey, tequila! Violence! Mexicans! A holy trinity of sales!