Every February, some snarky person writes an article about nasty Valentine's gifts you can send the person you've recently dumped (or been dumped by). It usually centers around those little colored sugar hearts with all sorts of heart-warming messages written on them (“Wish You'd Die”, “Kiss Off”, and so on), though liver-filled chocolates have been known to make appearances on such lists.
That works great if your relationship ends in mid-winter, but what happens if you're newly single this time of year? Nasty little Necco hearts aren't easy to come by six weeks into Lent, but never fear: the stores are stocked with plenty of candy that, with a little bit of (very cathartic) work on your part, can be used to express your true feelings. Below are five ideas for an Easter basket you can send your ex.
1. Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans
Sadly, they don't actually make earwax-flavored jelly beans, but this Harry Potter tie-in from Jelly Belly does contain some… hm… unorthodox flavors such as sausage, fish and onion. Make sure you don't include the packaging. Surprises are fun!
2. Glued-on foil covers
You don't have to glue the entire cover to the candy below to frustrate the recipient. Just a little dab here and there so that he or she has to go through trying to unpeel it. This works best on candies that melt, like chocolate. Try to find non-toxic glue; we're not going for murder here.
3. Mangled Peeps
You can really send a message with mangled Peeps. Perhaps your ex will understand your feelings if you send a voodoo Peep with pins sticking out of it, or perhaps a bunny Peep with its heart cut out, or a hole in its eye (what's called “a message” in certain New Jersey subcultures).
4. “Filled” chocolate rabbits
Buy a hollow chocolate rabbit, drill a hole in the top and fill with the unexpected contents of your choice. It would probably be for the best if you stuck to things that were considered edible. Ketchup, for example, or salt.
The recipient of your “I Hate You” Easter basket will thrill to see brightly magenta- or green-colored eggs standing amongst the other treats. He or she will crack open the hard-boiled egg, only to find a 16- or 17-day old chicken embryo. (Caution: may not have desired effect if ex is Filipino or Vietnamese.)