Sharon Barragan has a soft spot for white rappers–so sue her. While often derided as novelties who rarely last in the hip-hop game, there's something about these artists and their anglo flow that the comedienne can't stay away from. Since the dawn of the 90s, there's been quite a few that have made their impression her. Mostly, they're the ones with wicked rhyme skills that make her say "Damn! I had no idea you looked like that!" With an upcoming gig at the Brea Improv April 26th (with Last Comic Standing winner Iliza Shlesinger, you go girl!), we used it as a sign to pick her hilariously dirty mind and get her, "Five Hottest White Rappers" picks. Hey, black history month is over so it's PC right? OK…don't answer that.
5. Jon Lajoie
Sharon Barragan: Jon Lajoie is a YouTube sensation and a kick-ass rapper. (Google that shit.) Canada's jewel is not only as clever as any MC out today, but his parents are really nice people, motherfuckers. When it comes to true originality and DIY production quality videos, Jon Lajoie is the only thing right aboot now that gets me wetter than the backs of my ancestors.
4. Sage Francis
Some white underground rappers are just way too conscious for my taste, possibly overcompensating for their lack of melanin or penile girth, so I don't purposely seek out their shows. However, when I went to visit my friend Tanisha (my whitest black friend) in 2010, we checked out Sage at The Fillmore in San Francisco. Although I missed half of the show to go smoke out with and bone one of the venue's security guards, Paul (Sage) Francis not only got me with his real content, but he also put on a high energy show that not many chubby men can pull off without looking like Chris Farley (RIP).
3. Slug of Atmosphere
Okay, so Slug isn't totally white but his hypnotic voice and storytelling raps make him one of my favorites. I've been a fan of Atmosphere since I still had a pager and a fat-chick-who-likes-black-guys hair don't, "the bob." I never had the chance to check them out live until my friend Tanisha (my whitest black friend) and I went to see them on Jimmy Kimmel in '08. Although at this point they were a bit mainstream, Slug's flawless timing and effortlessness blew my mind. I didn't screw any of the Kimmel staff that day, but we saw one hell of a show and I have never referred to anyone as "crater face" again.
If I could fuck Eminem, it'd be a clear sign that his drug addiction had caused him to hit an all-time low. Unlike most of his female fans, I don't want to fuck him; I want to fuck his talent. I wouldn't call him the greatest of all time but, anyone who can make me laugh, cry, question my sexuality, and give me the drive to follow my dreams while fearing for my life all within one album is pretty fucking dope.
1. Marky Mark
Don't judge me and don't get your Calvin Klein underwear in a funky bunch. I've been "feeling the vibrations" over and over again since my late teens. He is now a husband, father and a member of SAG, but his abs are still worthy of carving "Nicole 4 Eva" across them. If there is any rapper-turned-actor out there I'd let finger bang me on a roller coaster, it's this guy.