DEAR MEXICAN: My parents were born in Mexico. I was born in Dallas, Texas. This makes me a first-generation American, right? So, if my best friend’s dad was born in Mexico, and her mother is a Chicana, does this make her a first-generation American or a second-generation American?
DEAR POCHA: In the eyes of the current attorney general, both you and your friend are Mexicans. ¡Trucha!
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DEAR MEXICAN: When do you think Baja California and other locations in the madre-land with lots of American expatriates will become U.S. territories or, better yet, states? I would be very eager to live in a beautiful coastal area surrounded by people with nice cars and the world’s most powerful military to back them up. I think the Mexicans would, too.
DEAR GABACHO: Be careful what you wish for. If the United States and Mexico ever went to war, snowbirds such as yourself would be the first people targeted by Mexicans. Don’t believe me? Ask the Chinese during the Mexican Revolution. Better make plans to move to Costa Rica, Nicaragua or whatever other Latin American country gabachos retirees like to set up colonies in nowadays where they refuse to learn Spanish besides “gringo,” “cerveza” and “Soy chavala.”
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DEAR MEXICAN: Why do Mexican women, who are basically good drivers, turn into morons when they turn into the Walmart parking lot? Also, here in New Mexico, you get the guys who sneer at you, pull into traffic in front of you at the last possible second, then slow down to 15 miles per hour. I’ve never seen this anywhere else. Are they Mexicans or just those “I am Espanish!” assholes showing off their inferiority complex?
DEAR POCHO: With all due respect, EVERYONE turns into morons at the Walmart parking lot—hell, at Walmart, period. But what I was surprised by in researching your pregunta is how relatively few Mexis shop there. A 2014 study by Kantar Retail found only about 10 percent of Walmart shoppers were Latinos (read: mostly Mexican), with raza by far preferring Dollar General and Family Dollar stores. I guess it makes sense: Mexicans prefer swap meets and yard sales when looking for low prices. But the stats are incomplete: In a graphic, Kantar excluded New Mexico. They gave no reason, but I know the answer, which also answers your queja about slow-driving men: The Land of Enchantment is where all preconceived notions about Mexicans go to claim they’re pure-blooded Spaniards going back to Cabeza de Vaca—but definitely not related to Estevanico!
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DEAR MEXICAN: What is the deal with Mexicans and their fear of U.S. banks? A recent home invasion netted the robbers $2,000 that the Mexicans who lived there were using for their next house payment. When I mentioned this to a Mexicana friend, she told me she was once robbed of $15,000 that she was keeping at her apartment for a house payment. Doesn’t word reach the wabs from their relatives in El Norte that USA bank accounts are insured up to $100,000?
Huero In the Barrio
DEAR GABACHO: Ask Washington Mutual.