David Sedaris reads from Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk and his other works Wednesday night in Chapman University's Memorial Hall.
In honor of the essayist/humorist/half (with sister Amy Sedaris) of “The Talent Family” appearing in Orange County, we present the top 10 one-liners and more-than-one-liners from some of David Sedaris' books (which have sold 7 million copies and counting worldwide) . . .
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“Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.”
—Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
“I
haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long
list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it
out.”
—Naked
“If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”
—Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays
“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but
I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all
comes down to fingerprints.”
—Holidays on Ice
“Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels
were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put
off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for
alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be
outrageous but really weren't.”
—When You Are Engulfed in Flames
“On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases
that people actually use. From the dog owners I learned 'Lie down,' 'Shut up,' and 'Who shit on this carpet?' The couple across the road
taught me to ask questions correctly, and the grocer taught me to count.
Things began to come together, and I went from speaking like an evil
baby to speaking like a hillbilly. 'Is thems the thoughts of cows?' I'd
ask the butcher, pointing to the calves' brains displayed in the front
window. 'I want me some lamb chop with handles on 'em.'”
—Me Talk Pretty One Day
“We were not a hugging
people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount
of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made
cocktail.”
—Naked
“The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you're a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.”
—Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
“It's
always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and
August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure 60 by 80 inches, and
America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in
our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have
nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number
two!”
—Me Talk Pretty One Day
“For the first
20 years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless
enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next
twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I
could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of
scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just
sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd
squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later,
having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told
that this is not called 'going to sleep' but rather 'passing out,' a
phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.”
—Me Talk Pretty One Day
David Sedaris appears as part of Chapman University's Distinguished Writers Series at 8 p.m. Wedneday in Memorial Hall, One University Drive, Orange, 714.997,6589. $40 for tickets, which can be purchased at chapman.edu/sedaris. $3 for parking.
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.