Today in the Red Pencil Diaries: people who actually manage to stuff relevant content into a few sentences! Yes, there are actually succinct Yelp reviews that don't totally suck! (Shocking, isn't it?)
Sadly, they are far outweighed by people who change their minds without telling anyone why, and the dread fake Yelp reviews, which come in two flavors: “I didn't eat here but I hate it anyway,” and “I'm reviewing before it even opens.”
Keep Yelping, Yelpers. You give me an inexhaustible source of writing material.
Bill E.'s 2-star review of La Palma Chicken Pie Shop:
Reviews don't have to be carefully wordcrafted to be effective. I share Bill E.'s opinion of the execrable, salty pot pies at La Palma Chicken Pie Shop, but I have to say I never would have thought to say, “I think the employees smoked all the pot and now it is just CHICKEN PIE.” I'm never going to look at those blue-haired old waitresses the same way again.
Edward C.'s 4-star review of Liang's Kitchen:
Short, sweet, and to the point. It tells you what they're known for–beef noodle soup–gives a short critique of it, and tells you what it's being compared to. It'd have been better had he given critiques of other dishes he'd eaten there, but this is actually Yelp gold right here.
Catherine H.'s 4-star (or is it 2-star?) review of Ohshima Japanese Cuisine:
Help me understand, Catherine H. Three years ago, you had almost nothing good to say about the place, and now it's some of the best sushi in OC? Yes, you're right–it is–but it's just a bizarre juxtaposition. At least acknowledge your poor review in your update!
Trach L.'s 1-star review of Pho Olivia:
"Haven't eaten here…” THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WRITING A REVIEW ON YELP? Get the hell out and never darken that webpage ever again.
Oh, and yes, you can boil water and make pho… you can also boil water and make miso soup, caldo de albóndigas, or any other kind of reconstituted dried vomitus, but it won't taste any good.
Trang H.'s 5-star review of Surfas Culinary District:
While we're on the subject of fake Yelp reviews, let's cover the other major kind: the giddy forum nerd who's out to garner as many First to Review medals as he or she can, even if it means writing about something before its bloody shelves had been installed. Reviews of the Culver City Surfas belong on the Culver City Surfas Yelp page; you're like the doofy schmuck on Slashdot whose goal in life is to get "FIRST POST!”