Dave Reviews OC Yelp Reviews, Part 4

Yelpers who blame liquor stores for their bad childhood memories of dense Ashkenazi Jewish cookies; Yelpers who expect fast-food employees to actually care about their jobs or the food they make; Yelpers to whom large festival signs are Greek. Yes, it's time for another round of analyzing what passes for food criticism in OC's little corner of the Yelp monster.

Isn't it amazing that people have absolutely no sense of self-editing? Yelp can be useful or entertaining. Usually, though, it's an untamed gusher of raw mental dithering, like reading James Joyce bitching about six minutes without an iced tea refill. Read on!

Traci W.'s 1-star review of Taco Bell:

Honey, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but putting an ABC (already been chewed) quesadilla back in the steamer (it isn't a griller) is the least of the infractions you're likely to encounter at a Taco Bell. Especially this Taco Bell, which pretty much exists to serve as the “before” example in a spectacularly low-budget can-this-restaurant-be-saved show.

Jessica G.'s 3-star review of the OC Greek Fest/St. John's Greek Festival:

I have been to the Greek festival every year for the last few years, and every year I notice that they do a fantastic job of cunningly hiding the chicken under an enormous sign that says, “CHICKEN SOUVLAKI”. Seriously, unless you were standing within 500 feet of this sign, you would have no idea that there is chicken available in souvlaki form. We've submitted a request to the festival organizers to remove the confusing Greek word “souvlaki” and replace it with “CHUNKS OF CHICKEN PUT ON A METAL THINGUMMY AND BURNED WITH FIRE” for next year's tents.

You do get lots of points for your deft use of both kinds of slashes when making the dejected emoticon, though. =/ =

Benjamin G.'s 5-star review of Captain Kidd's Family Restaurant:

Captain Kidd's is the worst restaurant in Orange County. I have said so at length in my review of the place, wherein I took food thermometers to the buffet and used them brazenly in front of the staff.

Obviously, though, my criteria were different. My negative review was based on such things as freeze-dried green peas being used in place of capers, and seafood casserole that would make Gordon Ramsay's esophagus plunge through his nostrils. Your positive review was based on price, location, amount of food, and most importantly, the fact that you didn't get sick the next day.

Congratulations, Benjamin G.; you officially have the lowest standards on Yelp. I've bookmarked you, because if you ever rate anything below five stars I am never setting foot within the distance a wind-assisted ptomaine microbe can travel of the place.

Faye U.'s 3-star review of OC Wine Mart:

This is another problem with Yelp: pars pro toto reviewing, where you fixate on one non-useful part of a very large business and discuss it at length. Full disclosure: I have been guilty of this myself; I wrote a review of
99 Ranch that was all about the Désir bakery inside, which sells the
most amazing Macau-style egg tarts ever.

I'm not you, though, Faye U. You go to the Yelp site of an accessible, knowledgeable, completely un-snobby wine shop, a place that had the first self-service Enomatic system in Orange County, a place that was converted from its previous owners' ghastly ghetto of Colt .45 and Ripple, and you write a bad review of macarons, a product you've never had, admit you know nothing about, and didn't particularly like.

Instead of assigning it to XT Patisserie, you whine about it at length and drag down OC Wine Mart's score. Unthinking douchebaggery is still douchebaggery, and it's no credit whatsoever to Yelp's much-vaunted algorithms that your post is still visible.

Desirée D.'s 1-star review of Freebirds World Burrito:

I could have written the second paragraph myself. Every single person reading this has that one person who, given the chance to fly to Hong Kong, would spend all his time in Causeway Bay eating Dunkin Donuts and Outback Steakhouse. It was a great description and a generally very good review.

Incidentally, as far as content goes, while I'm not exactly rushing to Freebirds, it's not as bad as she makes it sound. It's a three-and-a-half star place, except you're not allowed to give half a star on Yelp.

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