First of all, let's provide this paper's coverage of the much-maligned Reviewer Card, which you can hand to restaurant staff in order to inform them that they are under review by DouchebagNoshingDeliciously.blogspot.com or whatever your 7-pageviews-a-day food blog is called:
If you get one of these cards and intend to use it, please contact us before you do, so we can send a photographer to cover the ass-kicking you so richly deserve. Thanks.
Now, onto this week's Red Pencil Diaries.
Mary C.'s 5-star review of 320 Main:
We'll lead off with this week's good Yelp review. I'm not expecting professional-level food criticism from Yelp, and so reviews that make me chuckle get high praise, but that's not all there is here. See, there's actual content–she actually reviewed the dishes she had. It'd have been more effective had there been, you know, details about the dishes, but let's take it one step at a time here. Also, how did you manage to go to OC's premier cocktail bar and not have a cocktail?
Andrea A.'s 4-star review of Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf:
Every coffee house in the county has pretty much exactly the same menu: brewed coffee, espresso, espresso with milk, espresso with milk and foam, espresso with chocolate milk. What exactly is the trouble here?
I am, however, very troubled by the lack of merchandise: you'd think that with all those bins of beans, there'd be no way for them to run out of the things they sell. You know, like brewed coffee, espresso, espresso with milk, etc.
Alexis B.'s 3-star review of Rutabegorz:
Well, you certainly didn't get your Elite status for your content-rich, succinct reviews, that's for sure. "It had several distinct flavors"? And what, pray tell, were they? Perhaps there was a garlic kind of flavor, and maybe a chicken kind of flavor? I mean, we don't want to push you to commit to an actual opinion.
Shayamli M.'s 1-star review of In-N-Out Burger:
When you're really butt-hurt, lead off with your bitchiest ad hominem attack. That'll teach 'em. Oh no, you had to prove you paid for your drink? What an imposition. They didn't screw up everyone's order? It must have been a diss to you, because of course random mistakes don't happen! I mean, don't they know who you are? Look them straight in the eye and say "I'm a Yelper and I will give you one star if you don't treat me like the Queen of England!"
Denny B.'s 1-star review of 301 Cafe:
Let me introduce you to this thing called a "telephone". It's a newfangled contraption that lets you push some gadgets with numbers on them and get connected to someone far away who will tell you when his or her restaurant is open. You should try it; it's pretty awesome.