Dana Watch: Code of Dishonor

Mentioned in just about every national news story about Representative Dana Rohrabacher (R-Putin’s Tickle Chair) and Russia is the fact that the Kremlin found him to be such a valuable intelligence source that they gave him a code name. But none of the media outlets divulged what the Huntington Beach Republican’s code name actually was/is. That’s where we come in. While we haven’t the foggiest clue about what might be dreamed up by vodka-swilling spooks, we can certainly fantasize. . . .

Vlady’s Valet: because of his longtime admiration of Vladimir Putin, a warm and cozy bond that may have begun after the former KGB officer and future Russian president beat the congressman at arm wrestling in a bar.

Chicken Mawk: because he dodged the draft yet still gets warm feelings in his naughty bits about all things military.

Sun Spot: because the former House science committee chairman vehemently denies climate change is manmade.

Dinosaur Fart: because of his theory aired during a congressional hearing about the real source of climate change.

Nightmarer: because of his despicable behavior toward DREAMers, including a young DREAM Act supporter he made cry when she visited his D.C. office.

Uncle Slammed: because that’s his preferred nickname at the Weekly thanks to Jack Gould’s classic election-night photo of him sporting an Uncle Sam hat and red, glassy eyes.

Wavy Gravy: because of his longtime support of loosening the government’s grip on potheads—and those red, glassy eyes.

Ollie West: because Ollie North campaigned for him before his first congressional election in 1988.

Rhonda’s Bottom: because his wife and the mother of his triplets can always count on him to prop her up on his shoulders. (What did you think it meant?)

Lube Stain: because of the huge, mysterious, lubricant-like stain his ex-landlord discovered had seeped through the thick carpet and padding, tarnishing the hardwood floor in Rhonda’s former Costa Mesa bedroom. (Oh, that’s what.)

Mr. Taliban: because of his Reagan administration role arming Afghans who later folded in with Islamic terrorists.

Leni Riefenstahl: because of his script for a would-be movie that one reader noted “raised a few eyebrows for its oddly positive depiction of Adolf Hitler.”

Space Duster: because of his calls for more gubment funding to stop asteroids from slamming into Earth.

Linda Trippy: because of his suggestion that Bill Clinton’s Oval Office blowjob led directly to 9/11.

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