Mentioned in just about every national news story about Representative Dana Rohrabacher (R-Putin’s Tickle Chair) and Russia is the fact that the Kremlin found him to be such a valuable intelligence source that they gave him a code name. But none of the media outlets divulged what the Huntington Beach Republican’s code name actually was/is. That’s where we come in. While we haven’t the foggiest clue about what might be dreamed up by vodka-swilling spooks, we can certainly fantasize. . . .
Vlady’s Valet: because of his longtime admiration of Vladimir Putin, a warm and cozy bond that may have begun after the former KGB officer and future Russian president beat the congressman at arm wrestling in a bar.
Chicken Mawk: because he dodged the draft yet still gets warm feelings in his naughty bits about all things military.
Sun Spot: because the former House science committee chairman vehemently denies climate change is manmade.
Dinosaur Fart: because of his theory aired during a congressional hearing about the real source of climate change.
Nightmarer: because of his despicable behavior toward DREAMers, including a young DREAM Act supporter he made cry when she visited his D.C. office.
Uncle Slammed: because that’s his preferred nickname at the Weekly thanks to Jack Gould’s classic election-night photo of him sporting an Uncle Sam hat and red, glassy eyes.
Wavy Gravy: because of his longtime support of loosening the government’s grip on potheads—and those red, glassy eyes.
Ollie West: because Ollie North campaigned for him before his first congressional election in 1988.
Rhonda’s Bottom: because his wife and the mother of his triplets can always count on him to prop her up on his shoulders. (What did you think it meant?)
Lube Stain: because of the huge, mysterious, lubricant-like stain his ex-landlord discovered had seeped through the thick carpet and padding, tarnishing the hardwood floor in Rhonda’s former Costa Mesa bedroom. (Oh, that’s what.)
Mr. Taliban: because of his Reagan administration role arming Afghans who later folded in with Islamic terrorists.
Leni Riefenstahl: because of his script for a would-be movie that one reader noted “raised a few eyebrows for its oddly positive depiction of Adolf Hitler.”
Space Duster: because of his calls for more gubment funding to stop asteroids from slamming into Earth.
Linda Trippy: because of his suggestion that Bill Clinton’s Oval Office blowjob led directly to 9/11.
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