Mentioned in just about every national news story about Representative Dana Rohrabacher (R-Putin’s Tickle Chair) and Russia is the fact that the Kremlin found him to be such a valuable intelligence source that they gave him a code name. But none of the media outlets divulged what the Huntington Beach Republican’s code name actually was/is. That’s where we come in. While we haven’t the foggiest clue about what might be dreamed up by vodka-swilling spooks, we can certainly fantasize. . . .
Vlady’s Valet: because of his longtime admiration of Vladimir Putin, a warm and cozy bond that may have begun after the former KGB officer and future Russian president beat the congressman at arm wrestling in a bar.
Chicken Mawk: because he dodged the draft yet still gets warm feelings in his naughty bits about all things military.
Sun Spot: because the former House science committee chairman vehemently denies climate change is manmade.
Dinosaur Fart: because of his theory aired during a congressional hearing about the real source of climate change.
Nightmarer: because of his despicable behavior toward DREAMers, including a young DREAM Act supporter he made cry when she visited his D.C. office.
Uncle Slammed: because that’s his preferred nickname at the Weekly thanks to Jack Gould’s classic election-night photo of him sporting an Uncle Sam hat and red, glassy eyes.
Wavy Gravy: because of his longtime support of loosening the government’s grip on potheads—and those red, glassy eyes.
Ollie West: because Ollie North campaigned for him before his first congressional election in 1988.
Rhonda’s Bottom: because his wife and the mother of his triplets can always count on him to prop her up on his shoulders. (What did you think it meant?)
Lube Stain: because of the huge, mysterious, lubricant-like stain his ex-landlord discovered had seeped through the thick carpet and padding, tarnishing the hardwood floor in Rhonda’s former Costa Mesa bedroom. (Oh, that’s what.)
Mr. Taliban: because of his Reagan administration role arming Afghans who later folded in with Islamic terrorists.
Leni Riefenstahl: because of his script for a would-be movie that one reader noted “raised a few eyebrows for its oddly positive depiction of Adolf Hitler.”
Space Duster: because of his calls for more gubment funding to stop asteroids from slamming into Earth.
Linda Trippy: because of his suggestion that Bill Clinton’s Oval Office blowjob led directly to 9/11.
Got Dana Watch fodder? Email mc****@oc******.com.
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.