Coachella 2016 By the Minute, Weekend One

Just as another Coachella hangover wraps its fingers around our brain and begins to squeeze, the memory of what we just experienced feels like an iPhone stuffed to capacity. While your actual iPhones may have a ton of stuff to sift through (that is, if it’s not chilling in the Lost and Found or on the Coachella black market), there’s some things that just can’t be captured through digital media. From our first springy steps onto the Empire Polo Field to the last burst of energy shambling back to the car on Sunday night, we kept track of it all. Here’s our recap of Coachella By the Minute.

Friday, Day 1

2:30 p.m. The dusty drive into Coachella makes me feel smart for not bothering to wash my car before I left. Too bad the lack of proper signage on how to get to the VIP parking area is making me feel really dumb. (Nate Jackson)

3:10 p.m. Walking behind a herd of bubbly, twenty somethings in short shorts and I’m hit with a million-dollar idea for a topical cream to combat their inevitable Day 3 denim rash. I think I’ll call it “Underbutter.” Patent pending. (NJ)

3:36 p.m. I get my foot ran over by a staff golf cart on the red path. Welcome to the jungle indeed. (Daniel Kohn)

4:40 p.m. Bob Moses’ Tom Howie has a voice that seems to perfectly match his aviator glasses at the Gobi tent—undeniably cool, but and I sorta wonder if there’s any soul behind the smooth, reflective veneer. (NJ)

5:15 p.m. On my way to the Yuma Tent following a couple swell guys in the name of journalism for my Coachella Festival Bears article. This is new for me. Not just the part about hanging out with the bears Carlos and Kevin (awesome guys, btw) but the fact that I’m visiting the Yuma tent in a sober state before 10 p.m. Man, I’m really branching out this year. (NJ)

6:08 p.m. I got into a head-on collision with a man wearing a fluorescent green jock strap thong leotard while walking to the Sahara Tent from the DoLab. His majestic orange hair, blue glitter eye shadow and green banana hammock leotard seemed to distract from the fact I had a dead leg and walked over to the Sahara with a limp.  (Mary Carreon)

Friday 6:20: My minor Charley Horse has begun to subside as a result of Belgian duo 2manydjs. But I’m experiencing a borderline acid flashback to Coachella 2010 when I sat on the outside edge of the Sahara—too mushroomed out to do anything except for ogle over how beautiful the confetti floating in the air was—and watched 2manydjs close out the tent. It was heavenly. This performance isn’t nearly as magical as it was that Saturday night in 2010. It’s not dark enough, nor is the crowd nearly as fucked up as they should be for this show—minus the guy wearing a rainbow sombrero with one feather sticking out from the top of it and doing the can-can. He’s having the best time here and I kind of wish I could be him for a day. (MC)

6:22 p.m. Alison Mosshart swirling hair covers her face and her epic guitar playing reminds fans at the Kills’ set that she’s the biggest rock star on Friday’s lineup. (DK)

6:05 p.m. Guy to his girlfriend: “Fuck we missed DJ Mustard, I can’t believe how late we are. Next time could you please not wait till the absolute last minute to offer me sex.” He might actually be the first person to complain about missing a set full of sex music because he was busy having actual sex. (NJ)

6:35 p.m. A mighty gust of wind, 25 mph, sweeps people in the Mojave tent for Gallant. Few people are disappointed. (DK)

7:00 p.m. A man in a unicorn costume roams free. (DK)

7:07 p.m. Realizing you’re one of the oldest people in the Sahara tent is a sobering feeling ahead of Underworld. (DK)

7:25 p.m. Two girls holding each others hands for support as they throw up simultaneously in a trashcan near the Sahara Tent #friendship. (NJ)

7:45 p.m. The festival costumes are on point this year. The man in the green banana hammock and the guy wearing the rainbow sombrero were great, but the best festival costume award goes to the guy who dressed up as the Pope. I can’t think of anything better than a Pope sighting at Coachella. (MC)

8:00 p.m. My friend who was camping magically appeared out of nowhere by the DoLab and has two beers on him. We’re now drinking beers outside of the beer garden and in front of the Main Stage waiting for Guns n’ Roses to come on. I don’t know how this happened, or how he pulled off the bootlegger-style smuggling, but drinking beer at the Main Stage is great. Coachella should really consider revising their beer garden rules and allow festival-goers to drink wherever they please. (MC)

8:23 p.m. Kanye West joins A$AP Rocky on-stage at the Outdoor Stage. ScHoolboy Q does as well. New Yorkers and frat boys rejoice. (DK)

8:30 p.m. Just coined the nickname Souflee Stevens for the dreamy singer songwriter. Turns out he came out jumping around with a pair of wings. Guess he did get a chance to rise after all. (NJ)

9: 12 p.m. Coachella needs to come up with a health insurance plan…?#?coachellalung? (NJ)

9:45 p.m. One thing I’ve learned about myself this year at Coachella is that I don’t care for the band Savages. (MC)

10:29 p.m. Jack U have the most people at their set, but its a dud. (DK)

10:50 p.m. Someone took a massive disco dump in one of the bathrooms between the Mojave and the Sahara tent—and of course it’s the bathroom I chose to go in. The poop is everywhere. I can’t breathe. (MC)

10: 55 p.m. I’m talking to a big bearded bear for my story about the Coachella Festival Bears. He’s flopped down next to a bunch of other comrades right before LCD Sound System. He tells me about the houses he and some of his bear friends rent for the weekend. “It’s like a cornucopia of dick,” Aaron says. “Every shape, size, color that you could want—it’s available.” Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty much the quote of the weekend. Thanks, man! (NJ)

10:56 p.m. People fleeing Jack U come back when Kanye shows up again, stands there, and leaves in less than a minute. (DK)

11:03 p.m. LCD Soundsystem comes out 7 minutes early for their set. An omen of things to come tomorrow? (DK)

11:08 p.m. I get hit in the head with a glow stick, does it ever stop? (DK)

12:10 a.m. LCD Soundsystem is covering David Bowie’s “Heroes” during their encore, and James Murphy is killing it. The entire crowd is singing the lyrics at the top of their lungs. This is definitely going down as one of the top festival moments of the weekend. Happy Coachella, Mr. Stardust! We really wish you were here. (MC)

12:37 a.m. While walking back to my vehicle, a cyclist runs over my other foot. Goodnight (DK)

1:00 a.m. We’re leaving the festival grounds. A guy who’s clearly hopped up on a cocktail of substances is leaping and prancing around in figure eight formations. Security has formed an arm-linked barricade to clear out the grounds and keep anyone from running back into the tents. The shirtless-prancer’s long, golden locks are bouncing with each step, as if he were a Pantene Pro-V hair model. He poses for a photo with his hands in the air and head tilted all the way back for a photographer. He tilts his head forward again and says something about wanting a peanut butter and jelly. He continues to leap about with his arms bent upward toward his body, like a T-Rex. “Where are my friends?” he says to me in mid-leap. I told him I didn’t know. “How do you not know anyone from UCLA? They’re everywhere!” he says, as he frolics away into the night. (MC)

Friday 1:25 a.m. We’re in a traffic line trying to get out of the parking lot and there’s a girl wearing baby pink, five-inch platforms walking on the side of the road with her boyfriend. With every step she takes, the pain of her shoes becomes more and more obvious. She begins to wobble, sway and the length of her steps become shorter and shorter. She is hating life right now. Never wear heels to Coachella! (MC)

Saturday, Day 2

1:49 p.m. MC Ren makes an Instagram post saying he’s watching basketball getting ready for Coachella, which means either an amazing or half-assed N.W.A. reunion is happening tonight. (DK)

3:12 p.m. I get a third compliment on wearing a Liverpool FC jersey. Maybe I should do this more often? (DK)

3:26 p.m. A pack of 10 wild GNR bros screamed “You ready for the jungle?” We still had 7 hours to go… (DK)

4:30 p.m. An accomplice and I got shut down trying to walk down Avenue 52, where we tried to escape a massive line near the Monroe entrance that would have taken 45 minutes to an hour to get through. We were told by security that we had to go back up Ave. 52 and wait in the massive herd of people (the line we tried to escape from) in order to enter the festival. We began trekking back to Ave.52 when we saw an opening in the fence, where a security guard was prohibiting people from cutting through. Fortunately for us, however, he was giving directions to a lost driver. So my accomplice and I decided to leisurely walk through the opening of the fence and cut across the field, causing us to bypass the massive herd of people we wanted to avoid, as well as security. We didn’t get searched, accosted or stopped before going in. Considering the fact Coachella is, perhaps, the hardest festival to sneak into these days, it was pretty satisfying to experience what many early Coachella-goers experienced back in the day when it was possible to climb the back fences and bolt for the crowd. This is easily the biggest rush of the weekend. (MC)

4:47 p.m. Mojave tent is spilling out for…James Bay? Zzzz. (DK)

4:55 p.m. Bernie Sanders recorded an intro for Run the Jewels, who proceed to play a new song and bring Gary Clark Jr and Nas on-stage for an epic set. (DK)

6:50 p.m. I was minding my own business when a security guard zoomed about three feet past me and tackled a guy to the floor for selling drugs. After he was brought out of the crowd a group of security guards hustled him just behind a gate and began going through his pockets. They found what they were looking for and took him away. The girl he was with is freaking out and scream crying at another security guard demanding that they bring her friend back. What we should take away from this situation is: Don’t sell drugs within eyeshot of security, guys. (MC)

7:10 p.m. A shocking announcement trickles across the Coachella wire that Axl Rose will indeed front AC/DC, confused faces everywhere are abound as only Rose can upstage himself in such a Spinal Tap fashion. (DK)

8:15 p.m. Sam Smith joins Disclosure for their final two songs of a set that  a slew of performers including Lorde. (DK)

9:10 p.m. Steam rolling through a crowd of upper crust assholes in the VIP area. I (somewhat) accidentally bumped this guy into one guy holding a beer who in turn spilled  $7.50 worth of it onto his precious boat shoes. Sorry, dawg. Gangsta rap made me do it. (NJ)
10:00 p.m. Kinda fitting that Ice Cube chose to bring out Common for Coachella. Cuz that set was common as fuck. Apologies to MC Ren and DJ Yella, but without Dre (or the Eazy-E hologram), it ain’t N.W.A. So much for rumors… (NJ)

10:50 p.m.  In the Sahara, Zhu brings out Bone, Thugs n’ Harmony for their collaboration, and an airing of “Notorious Thugs.” Bowie wasn’t the only legend who came to life this weekend, the spirit of BIG #blessed us too. (Niyaz Pirani)

11:02 p.m. The first wave of people leave GNR, making my head colder… (DK)

11:06 p.m. Ya know what this Guns N’ Roses set needs? More fucking hat changes. (NJ)

11:55 p.m. Slash’s “November Rain” guitar solo is the sound of my soul. (MC)

12:30 a.m. Anyone looking for the “old” Sahara Tent should check out Yuma. With crash couches (clutch!), gloomy lighting and lasers, a disco-ball shark and wood flooring, Yuma is easily the best small stage at Coachella. (NP)

1:05 a.m. Passing the intoxicating smell of dusty desert dogs sizzling on hot dog carts that line the festival exits. The familiar cries of “Hot dog! Hot dog! Hot dog!” Damn, my heart says yes…but my colon says no. (NJ)

Sunday, Day 3

2:23 p.m. Kids being questioned by the fuzz outside the venue for not having a wristband. Leave the kids alone! (DK)

2:35 p.m. Dude on pedicab blasting Smash Mouth into Rancid. So it’s gonna be that kind of day… (DK)

2:44 p.m. Basic bros saying Ice Cube set was epic last night. Agree to disagree. (DK)

3:15 p.m. The Vandals rocked The Gobi. In fact, they rocked so hard that during guitarist Warren Fitzgerald’s encore vocal performance a stoked, sweaty, punk-loving festival-goer hopped over the barricade and charged the stage. In true punk rock fashion, the fan made it on stage for a second before he was dragged down by security. Eventually The Vandals were forced to end the show because their sound got shut off, which was immediately followed by a chanting a boo’s from an angry crowd. The crowd wanted The OC punkers to play forever. (MC)

 3:40 p.m. Kamasi Washington and his band are so good that it distracts from the heat of the merciless desert sun. When I close my eyes I don’t feel like I’m at Coachella anymore. I feel like I’ve traveled back in time and am seeing Alice Coltrane. Washington’s psychedelic jazz seems as though it would perfectly aid astral-travel and other mystical experiences of the sort. As soon as the set ended, the heat took over again. In sum, Kamasi Washington’s music is like shade for the soul. (MC)

4:17 p.m. SO, as our editor Nate Jackson says, Tim Armstrong DOES look like Bam Bam Bigelow after all. (DK)

4:45 p.m. The Lagunitas Citrusinensis beer is fucking delicious. I want to have 9 of these, please. (MC)

5:30 p.m. I was walking over to the arcade games in the Craft Beer Garden, when a group of drunkards handed me what I thought was a sleeve of matches. When I looked at the front of the sleeve they gave me the words on it read, “Balls For Yo Mouf.” I opened the sleeve and inside was a green condom. All I wanted to do was see the arcade games, but instead I was supplied with tools for safe sex. Thanks, Coachella. (MC)

7:45 p.m. This is Major Lazer’s night, regardless of what happens next. (DK)

8:48 p.m. Anderson Paak delivers a killer set, with help from Gary Clark Jr., who is, apparently, the Kamasi Washington of the guitar. (DK)

9:15 p.m. Sia’s set blew my mind. Epic performance that somehow made me forget that it makes way more sense to watch a choreographed, conceptual music video on You Tube than it does on a stage. (NJ)

10:00 p.m. Pad Thai noodles at Coachella are amazing—especially after a day of eating only cereal and a banana, and drinking lots (and lots) of beer. Life saver. (MC)

10:05 p.m. Juking drunks like Walter Peyton #coachellaatnight (NJ)

11:10 p.m. Calvin Harris throws the biggest party to ever be seen on the mainstage. Full-length wrap-around screens, Adele and Daft Punk in the mix, fireworks, and Bad Girl RiRi graces us with her presence. Harris proves EDM can actually headline the entire festival. Take that, haters! (NP)

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