Time for Coachella 2015, or amateur hour for doing drugs in the desert. Hopefully by now you've got your stash procured already. If not, there's always Palm Springs Craigslist if you know the right search terms. If you think consuming drugs at Coachella is serious business, well, that's because it is. Buy the ticket, take the ride as the good doctor once said.
This year we took set times in consideration with substances so you can pace yourself and avoid mixing anything too lethal–since we got complaints about being irresponsible last year. If you're still pissed, double up the dosage.
Band: Reverend Horton Heat
Drugs: Vodka (alternately Gin), cocaine
Celebrate Martini Time by dumping half that smuggled-in vodka into a lemonade. That's as close as it gets this weekend to the real thing, but damned if it's not more appropriate. Add a little spooner to celebrate getting your stash onto the festival grounds–just avoid doing bales this early in the day.
Band: Action Bronson
Drugs: Cannabis Sativa (wax)
Fire up a vape during Bronsolini's Friday afternoon set. Double points if its the Action Bronson microG model. The head high will be fueled by tasty rhymes courtesy the freshest chef in the rap game. Head to the Beer Barn eateries in the terrace to cure your munchies before the man tries to crowd surf, though.
Band: Steely Dan
Drugs: Tequila and blow
Sing it with me, The Cuervo Gold, the fiiiiiine Columbian! This is your Friday highlight folks. Nailed it.
Drugs: Hells Bells
Are you a legit enough hesher to drop trumpet at Coachella? I dare you, son. Make sure you roll with a Xanax in your pocket, bro. Just in case.
Next page: What to take for Saturday
Band: Bad Religion
While not straight edge per se, Bad Religion gets pretty close. Soberchella is an actual thing. This pack of weirdos that don't like to get fucked up at a music festival meet up on message boards and enjoy being sober at Coachella together. Ironically this might be the trippiest thing about the whole weekend.
Band: Belle & Sebastian
Drug: Hydrocodone, IPA
A light, tickly opiate buzz meshes well with anything from Scotland in the '90s. There really is no better time to do your wisdom tooth leftovers. Oh, the feels!
Drug: IPA, Molly
Drink craft beer straight through the Jack White set, add molly powder on your tongue during Seven Nations Army, and wash it down with the last sip of your IPA. Then get your ass over to Sahara for the sexified bass spectacular that is SBTRKT. Prepare to be overwhelmed by everything.
Next page: What to take for Sunday
Band: Panda Bear
Psychedelic Sunday starts with a tab of Alice and a prayer than Panda Bear opts for an electronic set. Then start a rumor that Brian Wilson and Daft Punk joined him on stage because that's what Animal Collective on acid sounds like.
Band: Ryan Adams
Drug: Bourbon whiskey, copious amounts
By evening you have grown tired of LSD and try to drink your way out of the trip. This never works, but dammit, it should. Whiskey and Ryan Adams go together a lot better than Ryan Adams and whiskey. Thank god for that.
Drug: Whatever is left
What drug goes best with Drake? All of them. It will be epic, but you won't have an explanation why. About right for Drake.