Classic Stoner Anthems (And Why They Actually Suck)

Are you getting lit to bad music?

We all made choices as teenagers that make us cringe whenever we reflect on life. From bad haircuts and clothing choices to the bands we thought we’d LOVE forever– everyone has skeletons in their closet. I was fortunate enough to move pretty far away just before graduating high school, so nobody who lives near me now remembers the time I accidentally pee’d my pants in gym class (thank god), or the fact that, while I was busy figuring out how to become a man, my CD collection was pretty awful. Listening to bad music as a teenager is a rite of passage: you’re still growing into your own skin and nobody should be shamed for trying something new. If you’re old enough to remember OJ Simpson as just a man that plays football, however, then it’s time to change the dial when these “Stoner Anthems” are played.

“…And furthermore Susan, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn that all four of them were habitually smoking marijuana cigarets. Reefers.”

Band: Sublime
Song: “Smoke Two Joints”
Album: 40 oz To Freedom

From the crew that introduced the world to their own brand of music I call “heroin reggae”, I nominate Sublime’s cover of the Toyes “Smoke Two Joints” as possibly the worst song on this list. The song was originally released in 1983 and written by a band from Oregon–despite several Google-search results citing Bob Marley as the songwriter, which is impossible considering he died three years before the song’s release. Fast forward to 1992, when a then-unknown band decided to release an album full of stolen music that generations of clueless teenagers would try and replicate at any bonfire, house party, or social setting for years to come. Here’s the thing about this song (and band): it’s just all around bad. The cover art is a cringe-worthy tattoo waiting to remind you of all the worst things the ’90s gave us; Bradley’s moaning adds nothing to the poorly recorded drums, and I just don’t understand why they forced a dog to go deaf while we allowed a man to claim he can play guitar like a mother fucking “riot” while nervously plucking at his stolen strings. If you want to listen to reggae, I suggest actually listening to someone that has a Jamaican accent because they’re actually going to be authentic– at least more authentic than Sublime.

Please, just no.

Band: Luniz
Song: “I Got 5 On It”
Album: Operation Stackola

This album was originally released in 1995, a full two years after Dr. Dre perfected the sound and gave the world The Chronic. This song probably reminds you of drinking bad beer at a house party in high school and much like the beer, it probably shouldn’t be consumed by someone who isn’t even allowed to rent a car. I asked a few of my friends why they liked this song and almost everyone insists it’s because it represents their time as teenagers. Here’s an unpopular opinion: being a teenager sucked. Waking up early, raising your hand to go to the bathroom, and days spent learning about dead people is not what I would call a good time, and I certainly no interest in romanticizing it. The real crime here is the constant reminder of how bad inflation has become because five dollars isn’t getting anyone high anymore. If you really like this song it’s probably because of the beat, which was originally a song by a band called Club Nouveau. You should check them out and join the rest of us in a little thing called adulthood.

Dr. Greenthumb uses pesticides to grow his weed, let’s breal.

Band: Cypress Hill
Song: “Hits From The Bong”
Album: Black Sunday

I don’t even know where to start with this track. From the second you hear the familiar sounds of someone ripping a bowl until the track ends with maybe the creepiest person ever whispering into your ears, the song is an exercise in patience. This music is solely listened to by people who shout “Worldstar!” while vertically filming a bar fight in the dark. I don’t know if the world really needed an answer to the question: what would happen if Irish guys made rap music, while dressed like the Hamburgler? But these guys made sure they answered of said question. If you think this is good music, you’re wrong and you should turn in your chain wallet on your way out.

Every little thing is not alright.

Band: Bob Marley & the Wailers
Song: “Three Little Birds”
Album: Exodus

Speaking of our teenage years, almost everyone owned something with a picture of Bob Marley on it. I’m not saying Bob Marley is bad, but I will say is there are a lot of other artists from the exact era and scene who made better music that wasn’t as commercial. Peter Tosh was arguably a much better musician and songwriter, and yet their manager. Chris Blackwell felt it’d be easier to market Bob in Europe due to his father’s caucasian heritage, which is why everyone knows the words to this instead of “Equal Rights”, released the same year by Mr. Tosh. If you really like Bob Marley, then I suggest you dig a bit deeper into his catalogs and find the true gems he gifted the world. This song is reggae music for people that don’t listen to reggae.

This song perpetuates the stigma and needs to GTFO

Band: Afroman
Song: “Because I Got High”
Album: The Good Times

You know why this is here.

Bands who write songs about sweaters suck

Band: Weezer
Song: “Hashpipe”
Album: The Green One

This band sucks. This song sucks. Their singer is creepy and writes music about girls who (allegedly) are underage. The chorus is arguably the best part about this song because it means it’s almost the end of the track and my suffering. The opening line is ripped from The Beatles (who also suck), and it’s pretty much the most original thing about this single. Also, hashpipe sounds an awful lot like crackpipe. Couldn’t the Weezers have come up with different, less incriminating terminology? I know everyone has a special place in their cold hearts for Weezer because they listened to this music while their adult teeth were still coming in, but that’s not an excuse anymore. If you want to listen to Rivers cry about being awkward and richer than an African prince than by all means, get to it. Just turn this turd of a record down when I come over to smoke.

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