Before Tiger Woods takes the podium of his press conference broadcast live from Florida to the rest of the known universe, a camera scans the small audience.
It resembles the small gatherings at executions.
Actually, that's what this kind of is.
The pride of Cypress emerges looking as if he has been balling his eyes out all night. There are no visible signs of Woods having taken a violent 5-iron to the face, save for a couple nicks here and there.
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At times choking up, Woods stressed:
* He let everyone down closest to him and, looking directly into the camera, his fans.
(Who saw that one coming?)
* His wife, Elin, did not go medieval on his ass the night of the Thanksgiving Day accident.
(Afterward, we're not sure . . .)
* Reports of him having used performance-enhancing drugs are false.
(There goes that Viagra endorsement deal)
* Reports of him having cheated and had multiple affairs are not false.
(More billing hours for Gloria Allred.)
* His family did nothing wrong, he did.
(Was that strong enough, honey?)
* Hey, media, stop following Tiger's wife, mom and kids around.
(And while you're at it, can you stop interviewing the mistresses?)
* He has strayed from the Buddhist teachings he was raised with.
(More ranting hours for Brit Hume.)
* He recognizes he brought this on himself. “I am the one who needs to change.”
(No. 1 golfer in the world ranking not included, of course.)
* He has especially let down kids who saw him as a role model.
(Guess they'll have to switch to Gilbert Arenas.)
* He does not know when he'll return to golf, but he did not rule out a comeback this year.
(Hey, is that Perez Hilton in the press tent?)
* He will come back a different golfer, not so “reckless” and more respectful of the game.
(Goodbye, F-bombs and flying sand wedges.)
* In conclusion, he is going to work his tail off to get people to “believe in me again.” That's followed by a big sniff, a big hug of his mom and hugs and handshakes of those closest to him.
(An absent Elin not included, of course.)
* Okie doke, back to therapy . . .
(Don't let the news van door hit you in the ass, media!)
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.