DEAR MEXICAN: You are a racist, my friend. How can you bring up Japanese and Chinese mistreatment, but not Irish or Jewish mistreatment? It’s because it doesn’t fit into your narrative of whitey being the vilest creature on earth. Worrying about language, culture and assimilation doesn’t make you a racist (even though Mexican isn’t a race, but I digress). People want to protect the melting pot of American culture. People want people to come here legally and assimilate—not forget or ignore their ancestors’ culture, but to embrace American culture. Your race-baiting demagoguery is intellectually dishonest and a threat to the American way of life for all colors and ethnicities.
Jeff Sessions Is My Boo
DEAR GABACHO: Ah, the wonders of the internet. You no doubt found my columna from some random Google search or Google News or Stormfront or some other fake news outlet, read a couple of back issues, then surmised I hate gabachos for being white. No seas pendejo. Again and again, I’ve brought up gabacho racism against European immigrants—whether Benjamin Franklin railing against Germans, the British deeming Jews trying to enter Israel when it was still Mandatory Palestine “illegals,” or the entirety of the Dillingham Commission report. I do love gabacho racism against “white” immigrants because it’s proof that when idiots such as you say they only want “legal” immigrants and don’t mind people holding on to the traditions of the motherland, it’s as much a false flag as saying Rick Bayless is a great Mexican chef. Hate white people? The Mexican LOVES white people! Without them, tequila would’ve never become a worldwide product, and the Mexican soccer team wouldn’t have any other team to get humiliated by. But I sure as hell hate gabachos. Gabachos ruin the United States—and if you can’t tell the difference between whites and gabachos, then you don’t know your Chris Rock.
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DEAR MEXICAN: I’ve noticed you haven’t addressed too many issues dealing with Mexican gangs in your column. Tell me what’s up with the Norteños and Sureños and why they hate each other so much. Aren’t all you Mexicans after the Reconquista in the first place. . . . How did this split happen, and how does a guy like me stay out of the way in la Mission in Frisco?
Mulatto Man (Who Happens to Look Mexican)
DEAR NEGRITO: Imagine all the power Mexicans would have if we were one unified force? Trump wouldn’t be president, for one. And we wouldn’t have all these ridiculous gang beefs that leave too many of our young dead, hooked on drugs or condemned to la vida loca. I’m not going to get into the history of the Norteños and Sureños because I’m sure you can find some documentary about their history on a NatGeo special, and I don’t want one side to think I favor the other side. Besides, the only gang I claim is the Gashouse Gang—look ’em up, eses.