DEAR MEXICAN: I know there’s beef between Mexicans and Trump right now because of the whole deportation thing, but can he really do any worse than Obama did when it comes to deportations? Obama deported between 2 million and 3 million people—more than any other president. Is there something I’m missing here? Help me out.
Pocho In Plano
DEAR POCHO: Why is it that it’s almost always male Tejanos who ask the above question? It’s not a bad one (save your flippant dismissal of “the whole deportation thing”—sounds like you’re the type of pocho whose last connection to the motherland was your grandmother’s tamale recipe that your sister fucks up every Christmas), but there’s a special level of false equivalency among Texan Chicanos regarding Trump that I just don’t see anywhere else. Yes, Barack Obama deported a chingo of our people, leading National Council on La Raza head Janet Murguía—not exactly the most radical activist out there, despite what the conservative media will have you believe—to label him the “Deporter in Chief.” But the Migration Policy Institute crunched the números to discover that, while the Obama administration’s total deportation figure was about 5.3 million people, it didn’t even come close to matching the figures under Dubya (10.3 million) and Bill Clinton (12.3 million—as if you needed another reason to hate the Clintons, pinches PRIistas). The 3 million figure frequently cited for Obama refers to removal of immigrants from this country, and he did significantly beat 43 and Slick Willie in that category, but to treat BHO as somehow more of a Mexican basher than any president in history is as context-free as saying some guy named Jose Alfredo Jiménez wrote songs. Can Donald Trump do any worse? When he has already promised a border wall, declared war on sanctuary cities, and brags about his love of “Hispanics” with a taco bowl, I’d say ahuevo. And, of course, #fucktrump.
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DEAR MEXICAN: I’m a security guard at an apartment complex. I get out and work hard. I write a lot of people up for rule infractions, much more than they are used to from previous guards. So much more so that many people think I must be targeting them. But the reality is, I write up anyone and everyone I see breaking a safety or courtesy rule. (People quietly drinking outside is not a problem to me; playing music too loud in a car is.) According to office management, about 25 percent of the residents have accused me of targeting them. But the kicker is, all the complaints come from Mexican women. Not the blacks or whites of either gender, and not the Mexican men. What is the deal?
Parking Lot Policia
DEAR GABACHO: NO ONE likes security guards at apartment complexes—y’all are the pendejos too dumb to have become sheriff’s deputies or migra. Writing people up for playing music loud? Laughable. That said, if it’s only Mexican women complaining, it’s because they’re the ones who have it harder than any other group if they’re living in an apartment complex. Let them blast their Romeo Santos—the last thing they need in their hardscrabble vidas is their choni-melter daydream getting cited by some rent-a-cop.