Those of you who follow my work on Heard Mentality know that I spend most (OK, all) of my time talking to comedians about their lives. We talk about sex and dating (and poop jokes) quite a lot. I decided that maybe, despite all the depraved things I now know about these comics, maybe it was time I asked one of them to hang out and talk about my life for a change–more specifically, my romantic life. See, comics are writers so they understand how it is to have deadlines (tour dates for them) and we also share the "gift" of being in our own head all of the time. (Which can quite honestly lead to a few negative views on life.) Add those two together and some people (i.e. me) could have a hard time juggling a relationship as well.
This time around and since he is married, I reached out to one of my favorite comics Bobby Kelly to get some advice on how to become "marriage material." Seeing as how it took him so long to become marriage ready himself, I knew he'd have some semi-decent (kidding) words for me on the topic.
(OC Weekly) Ali Lerman: I was thinking the other day, I don't know if I'm capable of monogamy because I've never wanted to be with someone for the rest of my life. Is that valid or do you think I'm just making an excuse?
Robert Kelly: Here's the deal, everybody has their own thing when it comes to relationships. We're all fucked up so there is no perfect scenario. It's all based on who you are as a person. If you want to go and try to be monogamous, you can go and try to do that. Are you just going to turn it on like a switch? Fuck no. There's always somebody trying to get the other person to be what they want to be. It's called sacrifice. It's a sacrifice! People in relationships don't want to deal with those situations so they're like, I'm gonna try not to drop my seed all over the place or I'm gonna try to not let some guy drop his nut in me.
Ha! Is that your definition of monogamy?
Think about it, everybody is insecure and everybody's self-esteem is on the line when you are in a relationship. If the sacrifice is not banging other people, well, it's just easier to try your hardest not to do that. That decision should be based on you wanting it. I've met people like you who say, "I don't want to be monogamous. I just like fucking around." Then two years later, you're pregnant and you love your husband. And the people who are giving you shit for not being monogamous, they're fucking divorced. They're out there selling their bodies for money.
Ahhh yes I hear that is the order. First divorce, then hooking. What are some things I might do by accident that'll make a guy instantly think I'm not marriage material? "Deal breakers" if you will.
Show up with jizz on your shirt. That makes a guy think, this girl isn't as hygienic or as responsible as I'd like her to be. To be honest, you can't ever judge who's going to be your husband or wife. Who the fuck knows? We're all pieces of shit when we meet each other. Most couples who just met, the guy probably did some weird shit in the car just before! Most married couples, someone did some ass licking in a Toyota while in a Caldor parking lot you know what I mean? And now, they're pillars of the community! You don't know who's going to be your husband. Someone could just think, "Oh you're this single chick who likes to party and date dudes but she'll never…" But do you know how many girls like that are now at home and married?
No. No I don't.
Two. There's fucking two! [Laughs.]
Those odds aren't as comforting as knowing that the lack of jizz on my shirt can catapult me into becoming a pillar of the community…
Yeah jizz on the shirt is a bad one. There are hundreds of scenarios that go along with that. You could show up with coke under your nose or if you get dropped off by your driver. Don't show up eating a meatball sub, that's always a turn off. A nice foot long from Subway? You couldn't wait ten minutes until we go to dinner you fucking sow? Umm…also dirty knuckles. [Laughs.] Make sure your knuckles aren't dirty.
OK what the fuck? How would my knuckles get dirty?
Why don't you ask some of those Vegas hookers you see at the Mirage at two in the morning? Maybe they're doing lube jobs trying to make ends meet. Oh another thing is, don't show up with cigarettes rolled up in your sleeve unless it 1982 and you're Kristy McNichol. Don't do that.
Jesus, that's a lot to remember! What if my partner thinks masturbation is a form of cheating? Would that be one of those "sacrifice" situations that you were talking about?
No. You should dump that person immediately because they're going to try to get you to drink Kool-Aid one day in the name of some lord. Any guy in his right mind would promote you masturbating so when the game is on and he's too tired because he ate too much fucking Braciole, he can just hand you off to the drawer next to your bed.
How'd you know it was there?
Because I know. I'm a god damn professional. Any guy who gets mad at you for that, you should absolutely dump him and tell him to go fuck himself. You should break his fingers with your dildo.
Got it. Do you think if people's wedding vows were more realistic like, I promise not to fuck other people, it might make marriage more desirable?
Here's the deal. You're not going to say that at a wedding because most of the people there would be like, this bitch is a lunatic. Nobody's mother-in-law is going to be like, "oh yeah this one's a winner!" We eloped because we both don't like weddings and we wrote our own vows so it was very spontaneous. If I had to give my vows again, whatever I was thinking at that moment is what I'd say. A marriage is something that you work on and I'm a piece a shit but, I'm constantly evolving and trying to better myself. That's how you are too. Your responsibility in life for however long you are here is to better yourself.
I feel like I try to better myself, just not in that one way. I've been in long term relationships but when marriage comes up, I'm gone.
[Laughs.] You're fine! I know so many people like that and they're happy. I mean, you're going to sad and lonely at 63 when everybody else you know is happily married and has somebody at Christmas. But really, I know so many people that never got married and I don't think that's a bad thing for you. You just haven't met the right guy yet. You'll meet some guy and then I'll be like, where have you been? You'll be like, "We moved to Calabasas or we got a house in Silver Lake."
Wow. You have me jet setting all over the place. What do you think are some traits a guy will need to have in order to reel me in?
Well of course some type of herpes, warts, or some fucking type of sex disease so you'll have something to be able to relate to.
How dare you? I made it this far without itching, don't wish that on me!
[Laughs.] I'm kidding of course. I do hope you get warts though. [Laughs.] The guy for you is going to be good looking and a real fucking catch. I guarantee he's going to be thin and he'll probably have half of his head shaved but you'll only be able to tell when his hair in a ponytail. He's probably going to be some jack-of-all-trades guy too. A comic book artist, record collector, comic, actor, lead singer, and Hummel collector. But he'll be a short-order cook for his real job. He'll be very creative and he'll have to hate black…no I'm kidding. [Laughs.] The guy who walks you down the aisle is going to have to be some fucking sexual monster. You're going to have to see it through loose fitting pants and when you see it from afar you'll be like, holy god! This guy is ginormous! Even the priest will be like, "Son, please!"
OK let's sum this up. The guy I should be looking for needs to have a giant hog and be creative in life and in looks?
Yeah. I would say he'll be a part-time magician too. You're A.D.D. so you need a lot of shit going on every day. You need somebody who's mixing it up so it's almost like you are fucking other dudes.
I gotta find "split-personality guy." Maybe I should cruise the psych wards.
You know, that would be an option. Or, you could just date someone who does characters. You could date somebody not on SNL, but someone who got kicked off. Dana Carvey maybe.
Well Dana is married so it sounds like I'll be single for a while.
I think you're going to surprise yourself and in the next couple of years you're going to meet somebody. You're not a moron, you're a smart person. You know what you want to do and you have that adult mentality that you're not conforming to what people want you to conform to. And good for you! But, that doesn't mean that in the process of doing your thing and having fun you won't still get shot in the ass by that fat baby Cupid. Just like now you are like, "I want to do what I want to," you have to be open that someday you might like somebody monogamously. Either that or date one of those fucking "Thunder from Down Under" guys. I'm sure they won't mind you fucking around.
For more info on Bobby Kelly, check out his website www.RobertKellyLive.com, listen to the YKWD Podcast on RiotCast, pick up his book "Cheat," and follow him on Twitter @RobertKelly. Also, be on the lookout for the release of his special "Robert Kelly: Live From the Village Underground" and for Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll" on FX.