It’s the eternal, solemn mission of this infernal rag to investigate all the things that make Orange County OC: the corrupt cops and great beaches and nicknames for cities (Anacrime represent!) and bars where alumni from specific high schools drink during the holidays (Kelly’s Korner Tavern for El Dorado grads!). And that’s why we’re finally tackling Orange County landmarks—buildings, statues, city seals, Boner Jesus—that resemble penises, butts, even foreskins. They’re among us. . . .
And here they are, just in time for our Sex Issue!
SAN ONOFRE NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
The decommissioned nuke house that launched a thousand obvious comparisons—even its own Facebook Place: “San Onofre Beach Nuclear Boobies.”
FALLEN DAVID DISEMBODIED ASS AT CAL STATE FULLERTON
Students rub the detached butt of a replica of Michelangelo’s David for good luck. And that’s why those students go to Cal State Fullerton and not UCLA.
ARTIC STATION
We usually describe this Anaheim boondoggle as a neon half-armadillo. But look at it from the south, and it resembles—take your pick—a foreskin or some freaky H.R. Giger sexytimes sprung from Curt Pringle’s loins. 2626 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (800) 872-7245; www.articinfo.com.
SOUTH COAST METRO LOBBY ART
Joan Miró was a famous Catalan artist and sculptor, and an office-tower lobby in South Coast Plaza hosts this piece, which looks like spiked testicles. Wonder which OC blueblood bought THAT. . . . 650 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 435-2100.
MISSION SAN JUAN CAPISTRANO STATUES OF FATHER SERRA WITH HALF-NAKED INDIAN BOY
Um, yeah . . .
DISNEYLAND WALT DISNEY-MICKEY BONER STATUE
If you stare at the Magic Kingdom’s most famous statue from a certain angle, Mickey’s nose turns into Walt’s schlong. Wait, wasn’t that a Tijuana bible?
PENIS WOLF AT GREAT WOLF LODGE
Garden Grove’s newest water park has howling-wolf statues outside its lobby. But look at it from a specific angle, and now Cousin Aaron from Iowa gets to explain something to Junior while they go on the kiddie slide. 12681 Harbor Blvd., Garden Grove, (888) 960-9653.
MASTURBATING BREA STATUE
Brea’s “Art in Public Spaces” program offers dozens of great installations all across town, as well as dozens of symbolic yonis, lingams—and then there’s this, called “Internal Spring.” Hey, if we lived in Brea, we’d be rubbing the rocket all the time, too. West side of Brea Boulevard, between Cypress and Ash streets, Brea.
NUDE DUDE
You won’t see a naked man this regal and inspiring and gushing in Orange County outside of Newport Coast resident and porn legend Peter North. On Pacific Coast Highway and Huntington Street, Huntington Beach
DON BREN’S PENIS AT THE IRVINE SPECTRUM
Pointing out that Irvine’s favorite mall has an obelisk cost us untold thousands of dollars in Irvine Co. ads. Google “Don Bren’s Phallus Complex” for the back story! 670 Spectrum Center Dr., Irvine, (949) 753-5180; 0x000Awww.shopirvinespectrumcenter.com.
* * * * * HONORABLE MENTIONS * * * * *
THE BONER JESUS
On the back wall of St. Joseph Church in SanTana now stands a blank canvas. But from the 1980s until just a couple of years ago, it hosted a multistory mural of what resembled a teenage naked Christ, complete with swirling erection. Nicknamed “Boner Jesus,” it caused such a scandal that even the Vatican had to get involved. But church officials kept it up—pun intended!—even after a parish priest was caught with child porn yet not disciplined for his crime. Heckuva job, Brownie! 727 N. Minter St., Santa Ana, (714) 542-4411; stjosephsa.org.
“WELCOME TO FOUNTAIN VALLEY” SIGN
For decades, people driving into Fountain Valley encountered a white-and-blue sign welcoming visitors to the city with the motto “A Nice Place to Live” and what was supposed to be a gushing fountain. But the fountain’s shading also made it resemble a thong-wearing woman bending over. Those signs don’t seem to be around anymore, but the offending design remains on the city seal. Maybe the city fathers were ass men?
