Aug. 11 – Aug. 18

Thurs/Aug 11
Can we all stop with the Sideways jokes now? I mean, I love me some Thomas Haden Church as much as the next gal (I actually used to watch Wings), but the movie? Whatever. No merlot. I get it. Still, that thing did lead to a lot more wine tastings, didn't it? And I am all for that. Here's one from the Bayside: Themed Wine Tasting—Beyond MeritageWines. I'm sure that means something to someone. Anyone? 5:30 p.m. $15. Bayside Restaurant, 900 Bayside Dr., Newport Beach, (949) 721-1222.

Baila me!—
which I'm pretty sure means sex me up and down in the most caliente of ways—with the Gipsy Kingsin what will be a happy, happy, sexy time of love. I took my dad to see the Gipsy Kings in Santa Barbara when I was in college (without the sexy time, but thanks), and it was the best father-daughter date ever, except when he took me to the theater to see La Cage Aux Folles when I was 11. But despite that and his love of Bette Midler, my dad totally isn't gay. 8 p.m. $71-$98. All ages. The Grove of Anaheim, 2200 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 712-2700;

The Corpus Christi Fellowship, a Catholic singles group based in Newport Beach, invites you to its Single Catholics Luau Party. Hey, you know who's a Catholic single? Me! Of course, I'm from the wild-eyed lefty wing of the Church that still believes in birth control and evolution. Fuckin' Ratzinger. 6 p.m.-11 p.m. $15-$20. 12691 Bubbling Well Rd., Tustin, (714) 588-0887 or (714) 222-9483;

Okay, yeah, Tom Petty's playing Verizon, and everyone knows that Tom Petty's one of the few rockers who actually gets better the older he gets. Compare, if you would, his beautiful and deep She's the One soundtrack with U2's stupid “Hola” thing, or anything by the Rolling Stones since 1980. Therefore! Get over your too-cool-for-amphitheaters hipster snobbishness, and rub against the drunk classic-rock Oakley-wearing bros. You will be glad you did, until it's time to get out of the parking lot anyway. 7:30 p.m. $29.50-$69.50. Verizon Wireless Amphitheater, 8808 Irvine Center Dr., Irvine;

Wouldn't you like to go to a Modjeska Canyon cabin to see some singer/songwriter you'd never heard of? Me too! So come on down for Doug Haywood! We hear he's plumb amazing. 7 p.m. $25 (includes coffee, tea, pretzels, cashews and cheesecake). All ages. Cabin Concerts, 28811 Modjeska Cyn. Rd., Modjeska Canyon, (714) 649-0108.

You know who's got free time on a Tuesday from 1 to 4 p.m.? (You know, besides me?) People in need of One-Stop Employment's free employment counseling! Talk about a match made in heaven! 1-4 p.m. Brea Community Center, 695 E. Madison Way, Brea, (714) 990-7100.

Yes, I know, I'm kind of a homo. But when I was 12, in addition to singing along to my Cats soundtrack cassette and my Rocky Horror soundtrack cassette and God knows what other kind of geek shit I had—oh, that's right! A Chorus Line!—well, I belted out every word of “Downtown” and whatever the hell else Audrey sang in Little Shop of Horrors. So . . . they're performing it at OCPAC. And if you're gay like me, you'll be humming along. 8 p.m. $21.25-$64.75. Orange County Performing Arts Center, Segerstrom Hall, 600 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 740-7878 or (213) 365-3500;

Thurs/Aug 18
This is just freaking weird: El Vez—mysweet, radical and sexxxy El Vez—is opening for thrashers Puddle of Mudd. Go early; leave early; avoid Pine Avenue's cruising coppers. Win-win-win! 7 p.m. $12.50. All ages. Vault 350, 350 Pine Ave., Long Beach, (888) 80-VAULT;

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