¡Ask a Mexican! Are Mexicans and Gabachos Brothers From Another Madre?

Why do Mexicans and Salvadorans Hate Each Other? from Voice Media Group on Vimeo.

DEAR MEXICAN: Why do Mexicans and gabachos resemble each other so much? Both are very conservative about sex, marriage and family. Both are very Christian, either Catholic or Protestant. Both keep similar attitudes toward immigrants. Both are very patriotic or nationalistic. Both deal with the same social issues, including high rates of sexual and domestic abuse, alcoholism, and homosexuality. In both countries, there's a strong feminism as a reaction to decades of machismo and discrimination toward women. The striking similarity between Texan cowboys and rancheros. Since Mexicans and gabachos look so different to American society, how can this be possible?

The Guatemalan

DEAR CHAPÍN: Your Yucateco Mayan cousins have a saying: “In Lak'ech,” which translates into Spanish as “Tú eres mi otro yo,” which you can Beatle-ize into “I am you, and you are me”—look it up! More than just New Age pendejadas, the Mayas knew that opposites not only attract, but they're also frequently dos sides of the same coin—yin and yang, cabrón! You compared gabachos and Mexicans pero good; scholars have also given the same treatment to the Aztec and Spanish conquistadors, both religious empires that played tribes off each other to make it easier to beat them, that liked to kill and enslave their enemies, that practiced cannibalism as well as syncretism at all times (the Mexican Virgin of Guadalupe was famously a replacement for the Aztec goddesses Tonantzín and Coatlicue, but the original Spanish Virgin of Guadalupe herself was a so-called Black Madonna, the term used for a Marian apparition that just so happens to pop up in areas with pagan significance). Even you pinche chapines have a duality with us Mexis . . . or not, as we're a trillion times better than ustedes. Point is, gabachos and Mexis will get along much better once we both accept we're part of the Estados Jodidos.

As for you calling homosexuality a “social issue”: Social DEEZ NUTZ.

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DEAR MEXICAN: Why the fuck do Mexicans LOVE to warm up their cars every morning? Cars only have to be warmed up if they have carburetors, and carburetors haven't been part of cars since the 1980s! While idling, your car is getting 0 miles per gallon. Don't let the engine run at idle for any longer than necessary. After starting the car in the morning, begin driving right away. Don't let it sit for several minutes; an engine actually warms up faster while driving. With most gasoline engines, it's more efficient to turn off the engine rather than idle for 30 seconds or longer. Think about going inside a fast-food restaurant instead of waiting in a long line for the drive-through window.


DEAR GABACHO: The only cars that matter are those with carburetors—fuel injection is for fresas. Mexicans learn to drive from their dads. Their dads learned how to drive during the 1970s and before, when carburetors were king. Mexican dads don't evolve outside of accepting Asian and gabacha daughters-in-law and tolerating the gay members in their families instead of assaulting them, as they did in decades past. It follows, then, that Mexicans even in the present day will turn on the car and let it warm up for a couple of minutes, damn the fuel economy. Traditions for us last long after they're useful—for chrissakes, we still put bull stickers on our trucks!

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