!Ask a Mexican!

Illustration by Mark DancyDear Mexican,

I am awestruck by the lack of anger from Mexicans for the Mexican government. Mexican leaders have forced Mexicans from their land. Mexico degrades its citizens like no other country in our hemisphere. The Mexican government and aristocrats despise the majority of Mexican people. The demonic lack of respect shown to Mexicans by Mexico should be shouted from the rooftops! Instead, all we hear is anti-American tripe from these new arrivals. Mexicans do not embrace the country that is their salvation. Pitiful lack of gratitude!

Every Zeitgeist Levels Nimrods (EZLN)

Dear Gabacho,

Which Mexicans do you knock back Cazadores with, EZLN? No Mexican I know—and I know more Mexicans than the Border Patrol—ever badmouths los Estados Unidos. Sure, most of them express a blind, chauvinistic nationalism for a homeland that screws them over again and again, but Mexican pride doesn't translate into “anti-American tripe.”

But if you want Mexicans to trash their government, then I urge patience: you will get all the Mexican-against-Mexican anger you desire in 2010. That's when the cycle of revolution will sweep across Mexico again, as it has during the same denary year for the past two centuries. Father Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla clanged the bells from his church in Dolores, Guanajuato, in 1810 to signal the start of Mexico's War of Independence from Spain. One hundred years later, Francisco Madero provoked the Mexican Revolution with his Plan de San Luís Potosí, a call to arms against the dictatorship of General Porfirio Díaz.

Who knows what awaits Mexico in four years? But the Mexican can guarantee you two things, EZLN: it'll be bloody, and even more Mexicans will stream across the border than in the previous two wars.

Dear Mexican,

I'm fairly sure that your jibes against Guatemalans are mostly for comic effect, but,entre broma y broma, algo se asoma. What have you got against the true raza cósmica?

Guatemalan Guapo

Dear Chapín,

“Between joke and joke, something peeks out.” Nice dicho(aphorism), Guapo! But you didn't ask a question about Mexicans, pendejo. I'll make an exception, though, since the United States' third-team soccer squad humiliated the Guatemalan side Sept. 7 by a 0-0 score, making Mexicans and chapines brothers in sporting futility.

Mexicans despise Guatemalans for many legitimate reasons. Your tamales are better—our puny corn variety doesn't compare to your wondrous paches, potato tamales stuffed with chicken and just about the most filling, tasteful snack in the Americas. The Mayans contributed more to world culture than the Aztecs—did you know the Mayan calendar remains the most accurate in history? Your national bird, the long-feathered quetzal, is prettier than our golden eagle. In 1821, free from the yoke of Spanish rule, Guatemala joined the burgeoning Empire of Mexico—only to spurn us two years later for the United Provinces of Central America, a coalition of Central American nations created to resemble the United States but whose corruption and monocultural economics instead inspired the term “banana republic.”

But Mexicans hate Guatemalans mostly because of immigration, Guapo. Mexico can barely control its southern border with Guatemala because the Guatemalan government does nada to secure its side, leaving Mexico exposed to illegal immigrants, drug runners and terrorists. Guatemalans top Mexico's annual list of the most-deported. And the Guatemalans who do cross over dress funny, are darker-skinned than the average Mexican and don't like salsa—some don't even speak Spanish! Guatemalans are the Mexicans of Mexico—and who doesn't hate Mexicans?

The Mexican will take questions this Friday, Sept. 16, at 8 p.m. on KABC-AM 790'sAl Rantel Show in honor of Mexican Independence Day. As always, anyone with spicy questions about Mexicans can ask the Mexican at ga*******@oc******.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym,por favor, or we'll make one up for you!

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