Dear Neighbors With Pet Dogs Barking All Night,
I have never contacted you about the endless barking that you obviously have tuned out. But I implore you to start listening and investigating now that a family up the coast figured out why their 80-pound Akita kept yelping every night between last August and November.
It was the sex–with a 22-year-old man.
See, the yelps got so incessant–which is how I'd describe the noise coming out of your backyards every night, BTW–that the family in San Pedro set up surveillance cameras. The resulting footage showed a young man jumping over the fence, going up to the Akita and sexually assaulting the pooch.
Fortunately, the homeowners put a screen grab from the video on fliers that were distributed throughout the neighborhood, and someone later told cops it was 22-year-old Christopher Alexander Caceres.
Further investigation revealed Caceres had also broken into the home and stolen alcohol. If you were so sick you routinely engaged in ruff sex, you'd want to get black-out drunk to forget what happened also.
Anyway, Caceras pleaded guilty in Los Angeles County Superior Court in Long Beach earlier this month to animal cruelty and burglary charges. As part of a plea deal, Judge Laura Laesecke dismissed a misdemeanor charge of sexual assault on an animal and sentenced Caceras to four years in state prison. (Insert your own where-he'll-be-someone's-bitch-for-a-change line here.)
While you, my dear readers, won't have that dog licker to worry about, for awhile at least, other sickos might still be out there, hopping over fences at night with fresh coats of cheap cologne, grocery store-bought flowers and pockets stuffed full of jerky, ready to literally do it doggie style … with your doggies!
And if your best friend responds with more yelps and barks, you obviously won't check on him/her because you never have before. So the best thing to do is just keep them indoors from now on. For their sake. You're welcome!
XO … bow wow … XO,