An Ode to Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls

I discovered Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls during my pot-smoking years, buying them by the boxful as a coping mechanism for the munchies. Their integrated three-part construction—two logs of chocolate cake, coated with a thin, shiny shell of chocolate frosting, filled with a white spiral of crme—fascinated me and made their consumption a big production. I started by nibbling away the coating. Then I carefully tried to eat only the spongy cake. Finally, the white crme filling was all that remained . . . except for all the other stuff that had stuck to the cellophane and cardboard. They also went great with beer.

Sound good? Sound sorta familiar, at least? Maybe you remember them as Hostess Ho Hos, back when your mom was paying for them. Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls are the poor man's Ho Hos—the ho'sHo Hos, if you will. Despite the Heidi-like innocence implied by their freckled-and-pigtailed icon, Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls are about as Alpine as the Great Smoky Mountains. Really. They're made in Tennessee, which explains the great gosh-a'mighty sweetness of their triple-textured seductiveness and also excuses you for licking the melted frosting off the cellophane wrapper and scraping the cakey remains off the white square of cardboard packaging with your teeth. It also accounts for the underlying suspicion that you are suffering irreparable, long-term harm in ways that are not illegal in a hick state with weak haz-mat laws.

I thought I might have to give up Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls when I gave up the crutch that was pot. Happily, however, they have turned out to be little crutches unto themselves. First off is theircheap pricelike, a six-pack for $1.39 cheap. It's so low that it actually enhances their taste—or at least your ability to enjoy them—by eliminating an entire category of the guilt that typically accompanies the pleasure of dessert. Yes, these addictive confections are virtually without nutrition yet packed with fatty calories. But you can eat them almost endlessly without economic impact . . . you know, unless you factor in the eventual medical bills.

Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls are available at fine gas marts near you.

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