Rain doesn’t happen very often in our desert state and when it does the entire social infrastructure basically goes to hell. The freeways become a Fury Road even Mad Max wouldn’t want to cross and our local stores become a Thunder dome style death match over bottled water. Usually I busy myself with catching up on sleep or eating shameful food combinations alone in my house during these storms and this week was pretty much business as usual. So, after heating up a bowl of some vegan ramen to pair with my platter of assorted meats and cheeses I settled into my couch and began browsing the Hulu menu for something to get my mind off the chaos that was surely happening outside.
It was around this time that I remembered the one thing missing from my spread and it was probably the most important part. Thankfully the folks over at Puffco had me covered with their new Peak model vape. In what can only be described as a game changer, this devices intuitive design, simple features, and easy to clean parts deliver a flavor profile and euphoric effect that rivals anything I’ve ever experienced. Using my newly acquired piece of cannabis art I selected my concentrate of choice and prepared myself for an epic night of doing absolutely nothing.
You could probably say it was the combined efforts from the salty ramen and the Peak’s ability to leave you comatose after a single session but I was definitely feeling like I was in a higher state while selecting the next show I would binge watch. Which is probably why I settled for the black and white classic, I Love Lucy. I never really got into the whacky red heads mishaps growing up because it’s classic theme song always meant that my early morning cartoons were over but now my stoney heart was telling me that it was time to give it another chance. Worst case scenario was I had to find something else to fall asleep to, or maybe, just maybe, this show would end up being the best thing for me since the invention of color television. After another “business meeting” with my Peak I was ready to get started.
The episode began with Lucy intently reading a book titled “The Mockingbird Murder Mystery”. Ricky enters the room ready for bed and scares her by saying goodnight. The classic laugh track from every show cuts in and I try to not think about the fact that everyone in the audience is dead while Ricky explains that the book is silly and the murder is easily solved due to the fact that it was the husband that did it. He then goes on to explain to Lucy how he would do it himself using various objects around their New York apartment while miming the act of killing his wife. By the time Ricky tucks himself into their bed Lucy is sure that Ricky is going to kill her.
“Had I finally smoked myself into hallucinations?” I thought as I paused the show to re-watch the scene again. But sadly I hadn’t, the first scene in the first episode of this show that’s widely considered a classic has already shown us a housewife that fears for her life to a point that she can barely sleep. The next morning Lucy explains to her nosy neighbor Ethel her suspicions about her husband straight up murdering her and reveals the precautionary measures she’s taken to stay safe. If you guessed calling the police or getting a divorce then you obviously didn’t smoke as much as the writers of this show because she chose to tie a frying pan around her neck. With her plan in full gear Lucy waited for Ricky while I decided that another dab of Delta-8 from Guild Extracts would be my ticket to continue this ride.
Ricky comes home to his wife, who he very much doesn’t plan on murdering, to see her acting like what we would all learn to know as classic Lucy. He discovers her bulletproof vest and seeks advice from his super thoughtful and caring best friend/neighbor Fred, Just kidding! Fred tells Rick that whenever his wife Ethel acts “strange” he slips her a mickey. Ricky must have skipped the class on being a sexual predator in Hollywood because Fred has to fill him in on the subtle intricacies of giving your wife the date rape pill. A joke like that in 2018 would probably get you on the front page of every news outlet or fired from your job but in the golden age they had a saying, “That’s show biz baby”. My ramen felt like the sexual equivalent of dry humping air and my buzz was rapidly ascending into the danger zone of full on panic for the safety of Lucy.
At this point I feel like I have to stress again that these writers weren’t short on ideas for Lucy’s shenanigans. This show was at it’s infancy and we’ve already covered paranoia, psychosis, and the fact that Fred has access to a drug that he hands out like candy despite it ruining people’s lives since it’s inception. I can’t stop worrying about Ethel’s liver as I sat there watching Ricky and Lucy tango in their living room while switching the drug laced water on the coffee table that Ricky hopes will give her a decent night’s rest. After Lucy mistakingly drinks the non-poison beverage she grabs a gun from her husbands drawer and proceeds to race down to Ricky’s work to “snuff” him before he gets her. The episode ends with Lucy finding out that the gun is a prop for Ricks act at the Tropicana Club and everyone laughs, except me. This show is absolutely insane.
I don’t know if this show would be able to air on prime time television with jokes about spousal abuse and people smoking constantly but I can say that Puffco has really helped me with the stress from this experience. If you would like to purchase your own you can visit Puffco and while you’re at it head over to From The Earth in Santa Ana to see the full line of concentrates from Guild Extracts.
From The Earth
3023 S. Orange Ave
Santa Ana, CA 92707
Editors Note: A joke was used in this article that was originally written by Ashley Gwaltney, a brilliant comedian and total babe. As promised half of my shoe collection now belongs to her.
Jefferson Matthew VanBilliard is a leo that enjoys all things cannabis and is just trying his best. He let us know that although the desert will always be his home you can find him on Fourth St. in Santa Ana battle rapping teenagers or at the local high school where he coaches girls varsity volleyball without anyone’s permission.