Even acting like a dick has to change with the times. Back in summer days of yore, when there was too much time and not enough TV channels, you filled the afternoons by putting a little oomph into your prank calls: rehearsing curse words, working through the stage fright, practicing biting down on a towel to stifle the laughter, whatever.
Now all that sexually frustrated behavior is just a point and click away. Yes, through www.consumptionjunction.com, you can customize and package crank-call soundbites (“Hello!” “Fuck you!”) from an assortment of celebrities—Schwarzenegger, Pacino, Samuel Jackson, the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket—and wire them into a push-button grid so that with a little rapid clicking, you can approximate a conversation with someone. With a little more clicking, you can approximate something funny. We asked one local loser what it's like to be an asshole in the new millennium.
OC Weekly: So what's so great about Consumption Junction?Local Loser: They do all the work for you. You can be black if you're white! You can be white if you're black! You can even be Pakistani, if you want. Don't you think this takes the art out of prank calling?
Pretty much. It's kind of the easy way out.
So prank callers can be even less creative and innovative than ever?
It's like the Popeil automatic pasta maker. You simply add the ingredients and press a button.
Do you remember the old-school prank-call days?
Old-school? Yeah. Like disguise your voice, call weight-loss clinics, and tell them you have a fat girlfriend or wife. Or that you need hair on your head. My favorite one is to call Taco Bell and ask for the ingredients in a Burrito Supreme and listen to them rattle them off.
Those aren't really that funny.
No, it is. It's kinda like making them work for their money.
How'd you do the calls? Like stay home from school? Go to other people's houses?
Other people's houses. It's like when we used to open our neighbor's garage door from across the street with the garage door opener my mom had. It's better to do things from a distance. That's why we have Tomahawk missiles.
What about star-69?
Star-67.
That blocks it?
Pretty much.
Didn't you used to prank call people you knew? Like call your grandma as Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Are you going to put that in the paper? Well, I don't think my parents are going to read this. Yeah, I did that once.
Why not total strangers?
I needed to get somebody I knew was home. My favorite was when I called Taco Bell as Samuel L. Jackson and told them they had a tasty burger. And they were like, “Excuse me?”
What'd your grandma say?
I [actually, Arnold Schwarzenegger] was like, “Good morning.” And she was like, “It's not really morning, is it?” And I'm all, “I'd like to ask you a bunch of questions,” and she said, “About what?” Then she wanted to know who I was. So I said, “I'm a cop, you idiot!” Then she just got quiet.
What's the best method you've found so far?
Call people on the East Coast when it's 12 at night here. That supplies confusion.
So what are the necessary ingredients for a good prank call?
The setup: phone-to-speaker, speaker-to-the-ear. For beginners, use the soundbites that are set up to answer the questions the person is going to ask.
So you just click down a list? You could train a monkey to do that. What else?
Make sure you insult them so you can get some kind of reaction.
What do you look for in a victim? Stupidity? Gullibility?
Definitely gullibility. Confusion. And it helps if they're also tired.
What's your favorite call?
I called my girlfriend's roommate [as an irate Pakistani man] and told her that her daughter kicked my dog, and I lived down the street, and I knew where the fuck she lived. And she's like, “Oh, that's great.” And I'm like, “Fuck you!” And she's like, “Oh, that's even better.” “Fuck you!” “You're so nice!” And then she hung up.
Didn't your girlfriend call you back about that and yell at you and make you apologize?
No, I never apologized.
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