As close readers know, Clockwork is a huuuuuuuge fan of Steven
Seagal Lawman. Sadly, the A&E reality series has shut down due to silly
allegations of sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex,
failure to prevent sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination in
violation of public policy, and false representations about employment lodged
against the actor/lawman.
First, can you imagine how much better the show would have
been if all those things had happened in front of the cameras? Personal
assistant Kayden Nguyen alleges Steven Seagal had two Russian hookers at the
ready to fulfill his sex needs. Russian hookers = ratings gold. They spent an entire Lawman
last season debating whether to kill rats, fer chrissakes.
B) No doubt rejoicing are the thugs, petty criminals and
assorted scum of Jefferson Parish,
where Steven Seagal served as deputy chief of the reserve deputies. (Don't go
telling me that was a title made up for the reality show; Steven Seagal was the
only member of the force always shown in a flak jacket with “Sheriff” emblazoned across
the chest.)
Well, good citizens of Jefferson Parish, rejoice. Clockwork
presents seven ways to save Steven Seagal Lawman.
]
- Weave in a plot line about how Steven Seagal was performing an undercover sex trafficking investigation. Why hadn't Steven Seagal told anyone Steven Seagal was performing an undercover sex trafficking investigation? Because he's Steven Seagal! Steven Seagal doesn't follow the suits' “rules.”
- Point out that the two Russian hookers were actually Sgt. Larry Dyess and Captain Alex Norman in drag.
- Blame it all on PTKSD (Post Traumatic Katrina Stress Disorder).
- Explain Steven Seagal did not reach Steven Seagal's ham hands up the skirt, try to touch the breasts and stick his ham hands down the pants of Nguyen on her first night just for jollies. Steven Seagal was teaching the 23-year-old the proper way to pat down a perp.
- As for repeating the unscheduled pat down the next day, state that Steven Seagal was again giving a lesson. As Steven Seagal's sensei taught Steven Seagal: repetition, repetition, repetition!
- Let Fortunato take the fall. Works every time!
- Change the name of the series to Steven Seagal Lawman? Not So Much.
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.