Attention, Crystal Cathedral gay choir members (you know who you are): Just because you signed a covenant with the Garden Grove megachurch vowing you are not homosexual, you have not escaped the prying eyes of pious asswipes determined to out you (they know who they are).
For heaven's sake, consider the following 5 ways to avoid being outed as gay at Crystal Cathedral . . .
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DO NOT recommend more musical-dance numbers for future Glory of Easter shows.
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT inform Pastor Sheila Schuller Coleman that she's a dead ringer for the Bonnie Hunt female impersonator at Club Ripples in Long Beach.
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OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO NOT request the Hour of Power telecasts move to Bravo because, “It's the only network I watch.”
RESIST THE URGE to bring your award-winning casserole to the church bake sale–unless you have a beard who can lie that she made it.
AND REALLY, REALLY HEED THIS ONE: You bring a bible to the prayer circle, not lube.
Obviously, the above advice is geared toward gay male choir members. Lesbian choir members (you know who you are), don't change a thing.
OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.