According to my Facebook feed, apparently the gays can get married. Or something like that (I didn't read any of those posts). I'm excited not only because legalizing gay marriage is the right thing to do, but because I've learned weddings are the best way to pick up chicks. So, more weddings means more girls, which is totally not gay (not for me, anyway).
Even more importantly, the term “holy matrimony” is single-person code for “massive party” where everyone gets wasted and has a blast. And you know who throws the best parties? The gays, which means gay weddings are going to be fucking awesome.
So hooray to all my homosexual brethren and sistren! You've now earned the right to be as miserable as every one of my married friends. But before you can be miserable, go weeks without sex, get hit with under-the-cover farts, feel the frustration that comes from your husband/wife's lack of dishwashing ability and sit through countless uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinners, you need to get wild.Here, to help you get wild, are 10 gay-friendly songs sure to make any party fabulous.
10. Big Freedia, “Azz Everywhere”
First, Big Freedia is the greatest emcee alive, so you know I had to include one of her songs. Next, this song is called “Azz Everywhere.” Do I need to explain why that rules? Have you not seen a Big Freedia show? You know, where she's got guys and girls shaking their asses on stage? This DOMA defeat will get the right wing wackos upset, but those holy roller fuckers should ditch the religious horseshit and start shaking some asses because when religious wackos start shaking asses, then, and only then, will we truly have equality.
9. Gayrilla Biscuits, “Demos EP”
What's that? You're a tough guy who used to hang out on “the hard corner” in HB trolling dudes but were too ashamed to admit it? Well, thanks to Gayrilla Biscuits, you can be into hardcore and men. This eight-song EP starts with the words, “We're fags!” From there, we learn there's “No Homosexual Surrender” for guys who are “Nailed in the Ass” because this band has the “Gay Edge.” Rumor has it, these days Gayrilla Biscuits perform invite-only shows because of an unfortunate incident at a show in 2009. No one knows for sure what happened, but word on the street is that the hardcore pile-on is now outlawed in West Hollywood.
8. “Sugar Daddy,” Hedwig and the Angry Inch
I don't know anything about this song or “Hedwig and the Angry Inch,” so I've enlisted the help of Ms. Beige Sandstorm, one half of Long Beach/San Pedro rap duo Foxy Autopsy. Besides being awesome, Sandstorm's dad is gay and the last time I saw her, she took me to a strip club in Portland…for gay dudes. Here's what she has to say about this: “When Hedwig croons, 'So you think only a woman can truly love a man? Well, you buy me that dress I'll be more woman than a man like you can stand,' I think about how many super hot Trans women have probably given me ragers. Gender identity is a totally subjective private experience that, strangely, enrages a lot of people. The ideas of manliness and femininity are rigid and antiquated, and in an era of female breadwinners and literally millions of stay-at-home dads, we really need to buck those ideals. That said, if you see a grown man in a glittery tube top twerking like he's got ASL interpreters in his butt cheeks, remember to respect that twerking, tube tops, glitter and gender identity are all available for your own interpretation and enjoyment — regardless of your downstairs parts.” See? She's good.
7. RuPaul, “Champion”
I think I'm gonna go look at some Playboys now.
6. Journey, “Don't Stop Believing”
If you don't think there's anything gay about this song, then obviously you've never been to a karaoke bar in Long Beach.
5. Tegan and Sara, “Wake Up Exhausted”
Yes, Tegan and Sara are twin sister lesbian Canadians, but that's not why I included this song. I included this song because it's fucking genius and it makes me cry every time I hear it. And that's gay.
4. Backside Boys, “I Went The Gay Way”
I'd totally go gay for Howard Stern. And probably Jackie Martling. Ok, and Fred Norris too.
3. Miley Cyrus, “Party in the USA”
With DOMA going down like…wait. No. I can't make that joke. Let me start over…
As TV's Craig Ferguson might say, it's a great day for America. So, why don't we party in the USA? Just call up Miley Cyrus, tell her to bring the bong (packed with saliva, of course) and let's fucking rage!
2. Devo, “Jocko Homo”
On a serious tip, Devo's long-time drummer Alan Myers passed away yesterday after battling brain cancer, so it's only fitting to include him in some way. Myers has been described as Devo's best-known drummer and was a walking, talking drum machine. Not many drummers can play in such a mechanical way (I mean that as a compliment). Plus, this song has the word “homo” in the title and it's awesome, so let's all pour one out for Myers today.
1. Boris and Beck, “Fabulous (Guide Your Rocket)”
Lest anyone think I'm just some weirdo who wears Descendents shirts to the gym, let me say this: I know my shit. In fact, I know my underground gay dance music scene so well that this song ain't even on YouTube. But trust me, it's way gay.