10 Songs LBSO Probably Shouldn't Play in a Firehouse

Just like the Wu-Tang Clan, the Long Beach Symphony Orchestra is for the children. If they weren't, the group wouldn't be presenting a family-friendly concert Sunday at the Engine Company No. 8 fire station in Long Beach at 4 p.m.

The event, part of LBSO's “Sound & Space” concert series, is an interactive show featuring a brass band and the west coast premiere of a song called “Fire in the Big Top.” The tune — narrated by Bob Joles, best known as the voice you hear on the Indiana Jones Adventure ride at Disneyland — “tells the story of Tom and Maggie, two children living in Long Beach in 1906, who sneak off to watch the circus and are surprised by an adventure they will never forget.”

The LBSO's press release doesn't mention how long “Fire in the Big Top” is, so there's no way of knowing if they plan to perform other material. But if they do, here are 10 songs you probably won't hear.


10. The Doors, “Light My Fire”
There are countless women who would love to utter the famous “Come on baby, light my fire” line to men in red hats and over-sized yellow suits. Unfortunately for these females, a fire station is probably not the best place to make a sexual innuendo. Not with children around, anyway, so save those come-ons for when the kiddies take a nap.

9. The Jimi Hendrix Experience, “Fire”
Jimi wants to “stand next to your fire,” but sadly he can not — and not just because he's been dead for 42 years. You see, Jimi, these firemen take their jobs seriously and they sure as heck ain't standing next to any fires. They're pulling out fire hoses and dousing those sons of guns while your stoned ass trips balls and comments on the flames and the flowers and whatever else it is hippies like to talk about.

8. The Night Marchers, “Jump in the Fire”
Singer/guitarist John Reis seems like such a nice guy, so I have no idea why he'd recommend jumping into a fire. My best guess is his undying devotion to Metallica finally got the best of him and he couldn't resist. It's ok, John — we've all done stupid things in the name of Metallica. Me? I'm still saving up to get that tattoo of Jason Newsted removed.


7. The Beach Boys, “The Element: Fire”
Rumor has it this track was part of the reason why Brian Wilson went from being a dude who wrote songs in a living room sandbox to a dude who spent the entire 1970s in the fetal position. Rumor also has it Los Angeles experienced an increase of fires just after this track was recorded. Whatever the case, this song is bad news and the last thing Long Beach needs is a bunch of firefighters who lose their minds and scrap masterpiece albums because they can't get out of bed.

6. Johnny Cash, “Ring of Fire”
Sure, using fire as a metaphor for love is sweet. The whole imagery of the “flames went higher” is something most of us can relate to. That said, fire is no joke and there's no way anyone should ever confuse the awesomeness of being in love with the tragedy that comes from fire.

5. Jerry Lee Lewis, “Great Balls of Fire”
Dude's nickname is “The Killer,” so maybe this is one song/artist that firefighters want to stay away from.


4. The Ohio Players, “Fire”
Really, this song made the list because I like “Hell's Kitchen.” Don't ask me what the funk those cast members are doing during the intro because I'm too busy dancing whenever this song comes on.

3. The Icarus Line, “Please Fire Me”
I'm pretty sure singer Joe Cardamone means a different kind of fire on this track. If he doesn't, that'd be weird because not many people ask others to light them on fire. I guess if you're going to ask someone to engulf you in flames, a fire station might be the ideal location for that sort of thing.

2. Pixies, “Dig For Fire”
Why's Frank Black digging for fire when all he has to do is go to the nearest liquor store, plop down a dollar and get a plastic lighter? You got me. You know who else you got? The firefighters. And you don't want to confuse firefighters.

1. The Prodigy, “Firestarter”
Homeboy says he's “a firestarter.” Well, that's sure gonna make the arson investigators' job a whole lot easier.

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