So you’re already missing the good ol’ days of cougar hunting at Foxfire? Fear not, you still have until Feb. 6 before it officially closes and there are plenty of tracks that are surefire cougar mating calls. Whether you’re looking to land an older lady or on the prowl yourself, here are 10 songs that’ll get you into an age-inappropriate encounter.
10. “Young Man, Older Woman” – Millie Jackson
Maybe this one should be higher, but if the entire premise (including the name) of a song is the description of a cougar situation, it’s a little too straightforward for the more subtle and refined cougars If there is such a thing). It’s more “Cougars 101” than a real mating call.
9. “Stacy’s Mom” – Fountains of Wayne
Just to get it out of the way, this one likely won’t land you a cougar (unless her daughter happens to be named Stacy, maybe). It came out way too late and is more about cougar fantasies than anything, but the rest of this list should be foolproof.
8. “Anywhere” – 112
If you’re looking for the sexiest jams of the ‘90s, this 112 track has to be on the list. Sure, they might not’ve had the lasting impact of some of their contemporaries, but they nailed it with “Anywhere.” Cougars have been making babies (sometimes literally) to this one for almost two decades now, and they won’t be stopping anytime soon.
7. “Grown Woman” – Mary J. Blige
For a cougar anthem that’s not filled with cheesy lines and random Americana references (looking at you, Simon & Garfunkel), end your search with this Mary J. Blige track. No one should question whether or not she’s a grown woman (or has what they want/need) after this one, and it’s definitely among the better cougar-y tunes.
6. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” – Poison
Before Bret Michaels became a reality star, he was once a singer for a band. That band only had a few truly noteworthy hits, but the biggest one was this stripperific power ballad. These days, it’s safe to assume that most of the strippers from Poison’s heyday are now cougars (or well-behaved moms), and if you ever go to see a Bret Michaels concert, it’ll confirm that they’re as ready to go as ever.
5. “Pour Some Sugar on Me” – Def Leppard
Staying in the hair metal and strippers theme, is there any more perfect ‘80s stripping song than “Pour Some Sugar on Me”? Probably not, and it’ll still get the cougars riled up to this day.
4. “Any Time, Any Place” – Janet Jackson
If there’s a sexier song than “Any Time, Any Place,” it hasn’t been written yet. The Jackson family has seen its ups and downs, but this one brings everyone back to a simpler time in the family’s history. Her brother might’ve been the bigger star, but even he couldn’t rival the sultriness of Janet on this track. Plus, the cougar hunters will know it thanks to Kendrick Lamar’s “Poetic Justice” sample.
3. “Maggie May” – Rod Stewart
When you get right down to it, “Maggie May” is essentially every cougar’s dream and every cougar hunter’s nightmare. Rod Stewart falls for a much older lady, and heartbreak ensues.. Let this song serve as a lesson to all the youngsters out there: Don’t get attached to a cougar, or they’ll just rip you apart.
2. “Here I Go Again” – Whitesnake
Maybe it’s not the best hair metal song ever (or even on this list), but it’ll still do the trick virtually every time. Oh, and of course the video features the famous scene from one of the most noteworthy OC cougars in history, Tawny Kitaen. Hold on to your chair, hat, (car hood,) and whatever else you need when this track comes on, things are about to get wild in cougar town.
1. “Pony” – Ginuwine
Seriously, put “Pony” on in any room full of women between the ages of 28 and 60 and watch the magic happen. If they were in college when the track came out, they’re right around 40 now, and they’ll be going hard with the body rolls. It’s what Li’l Sebastian would’ve wanted.