Illustration by Bob Aul(Editor's note: Given the events of last week and the bitchy nature of Political Football, we thought it might disturb many readers to read a column that so lustily criticizes U.S. citizens. On the other hand, we know how many of you depend on Political Football to get through any week, especially the trying one ahead. Then we came across this post-Trade Center headline in theOttawa Citizen: “At Times Like This, We Thank God That We're Canadians.” And, suddenly, clarity.)
This week's featured Canadian Football League game:
Toronto Argonauts vs. Edmonton Eskimos.
Toronto update: There's been a lot of talk recently that in the interest of safeguarding America, the borders should be closed. Nice try, but it's a few decades late. America has been under attack since Anne Murray released “Snowbird.” Ever since, we've been subject to wave upon wave of Alanis Morissettes, Jim Carreys, Alan Thickes and Gordon Lightfoots. Act of terror? What do you call “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”?
Edmonton update: Oh, yes, thank God we're Canadian. Thank God we live in a country whose national flag on a T-shirt is an internationally recognized distress signal. Thank God we live in a country most of which is uninhabitable by humans and the rest of which is inhabitable only by Canadians. Thank God we live in a country where a true sign of success is not living there anymore. Thank God we live in a country that was named “Canada” because “Godforsaken” was already taken. Thank God Almighty we live in a country where our own Magaret Atwood once suggested we adopt as our national symbol the beaver—which, when attacked by a superior foe, rolls onto its back and chews off its own balls as an act of submission.
Unnecessary roughness: Please, just because Canadians subject us to their constant pleas for attention only to stab us in the back is no reason to go whaling on the Canadians who live among us. Sure, they're not to be trusted, but, well, I guess what we're trying to say is: HANDS OFF NEIL YOUNG!
Name game: Understandably, you might be unaware of what an “Ottawa” or a “Toronto” or an “Edmonton” is. Of course, you shouldn't be expected to know this, but since you asked, all three are cities in Canada, and though I'm not exactly sure what goes on there, you can be reasonably sure it involves bulky undergarments and lumberjacking galas of some sort or another. Now, the fact that we might not know everything about Canada just drives Canadians nuts. They see it as a sign that Americans are too self-centered, that Americans don't care. Hey, Americans care. We care about our families, our country, whether Julia Roberts will ever meet that special someone, whether the Amazing Eat All the Fried Cheese You Want and Still Lose Weight Diet is too good to be true. So please, don't misunderstand. If we don't know everything about your country, it's not because Americans don't care. It's because Americans don't care about Canada.
Consensus: Who cares?
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