Dallas update: Still in Texas (strike one), still a land where men are men and women are wont to complain in the Dallas Morning News when men hold other men's hands at the Six Flags amusement park. One Dallas resident did that after her children were exposed to virulent strains of homosexuality during the theme park's “Gay Day,” which she said she knew nothing about because Six Flags “did not post any warning signs.” It's hard to be sympathetic, since a preponderance of well-muscled men in short shorts and Edith Piaf T-shirts should have told her something. And anyway, local organizations and businesses are reluctant to put up signs since the last time such signs were seen around Dallas, they had a picture of John Kennedy with a bull's-eye over his face.
Green Bay update: Wisconsin is a state of hearty, if somewhat pasty, souls who began the century at the forefront of American progressivism, led by the towering figure of Governor (and later Senator) Robert LaFollette. It ends the century with a governor named Tommy (Thompson), who has made a name for himself (though that name is Tommy) by cutting taxes on the backs of the poor. LaFollette championed child-labor laws; Tommy cuts benefits to the poor if their kids leave school. LaFollette pushed for worker's compensation; Tommy pushed for a provision that cuts a mother's welfare benefits if she gets pregnant. What passes for progress these days in Wisconsin is 1 percent milk. Shoot and run (your mouth): A young Dallas girl accidentally shot by her father as he cleaned his gun sparked a contentious debate on gun control. Fortunately, one reader of the Dallas Morning News infused a little good old-fashioned Texas horse sense into the conversation. Yes, he said, the more than 10,000 people murdered by handguns “sounded like a lot to me.” But then, he said, “I called the American Cancer Society and was told that we lost 400,000 yearly to smoking. If I did my math correctly, that comes to: smoking 40, guns 1. Why the big flap about guns?” Why indeed, pardner? Run and shot: Wisconsin, as we said earlier, is a state of hearty souls, sometimes to their detriment. During the Civil War, the 2nd and 7th Wisconsin regiments lost more men than any other northern regiment. Their losses are attributable to courage, the fact that the regiments were at the center of most battles, and Wisconsin soldiers' tendency to scuttle such necessities as extra ammunition from their packs in favor of pudding. The 2nd, 7th and 6th Wisconsin regiments became known as “The Iron Brigade,” partly because of their bravery and partly because it sounded better than “Bullet-Riddled Pudgy Guys with Chocolate on Their Faces Brigade.” Consensus: Dallas is still in Texas. And I'm gay. Okay, I'm not gay, but I play one in the upcoming straight-to-video release of Shaving Ryan's Privates. Go Packers!
