If we could just forget all the clearly undeserving who will make up our list of Orange County's Sexiest People for 2003 and focus instead on the luscious corpitude of the Weekly staff, oh, what a time we would have! Sadly, our editor—a tall, telegenic hunk of a libertarian with a tremendous head of hair—thinks you, our devoted readers, don't want to hear about us. If he would let us, we'd describe us as a landlocked Temptation Island, but slightly more (though not better—except for our editor) dressed. There's foxy investigative political reporter R. Scott Moxley, for instance, whose tanned and well-groomed self can frequently be found in fabulous Laguna watering holes. Steve and Matt are both pretty wantable, but their wives are too hot for you to be any competition. Ditto for the engaged Nick Schou. Calendar editrix Stacy Davies is so stern-librarian, new fetish fantasies are born every time she clicks into the room. Our ad and production staffs are incurably sleek and sloshed. And don't even get us started on the incomparable fire that is Commie Girl.
In fact, when we think about us, we touch ourselves. But since our editor won't let us wax masturbatory about our juicy, vital, throbbing staff, here is a list for the rest of y'all.
Photo by James Bunoan
1. That Girl From the Ipso Facto Ads.Flip a few pages to the back of this book, and you'll find the ad for Ipso Facto, the Fullerton bondage and leather shop. In the ad, you'll find the Ipso Facto girl, and this girl can do anything: the naughty secretary, the Marie Antoinette, the Bettie Page, Der Baroness. And she never lets her style skip a beat, even if she's posing in a PVC red-riding-hood get-up right out on some unremarkable city street. Listen, it's not that we want to get stropped by a riding crop while we're face-down in the carpet. But the Ipso Facto girl has a face like an angel and a wardrobe out of Russ Meyer, and underneath that, she has a lot of class. And she makes black vinyl look good with everything.
Photo by James Bunoan
2. Mike Davis. Sure, he's old. But you're not ageist, are you? The card-carrying Red, former truck driver and current UC Irvine professor has a sexy brain, even if he does mumble terribly. Just think of him as a (mumbly) silver fox.
Photo by Jeanne Rice
3. Kori Flechtner.Sure, she has those bright eyes, sunshiny smile and that Damn-she-is-so-hot-I-can't-believe-she's-not-on-the-cover-of-Maxim look about her, but Flechtner's true desirability comes from within. She runs the new local chapter of the nonprofit Designated Drivers Association. Every Friday and Saturday night from 10 p.m. until 2 a.m., she and her volunteer drivers are out prowling Newport Beach and Huntington Beach bars—completely sober, mind you—putting up with incessant and, as the night goes on, increasingly clumsy flirting, as they hand out fliers to drunks who might otherwise attempt to drive themselves home. The goal is for the drunks to give their car keys to her or one of her volunteer teams and get a free ride home. Her group helps about 10 drunks a weekend get home, but she wants to get many more home. (Those wanting to volunteer or just get a ride home can call toll-free at 866-949-SAFE.)
4. Krista Allen. It was conceivable the closest actress Krista Allen had ever gotten to Orange County was the day we walked into our Costa Mesa office to find her—tanned skin, white swimsuit—on the cover of the February 2002 issue of Stuff, a magazine that looks like the offspring of Wired editors and Hooters girls. And then we found out that Allen (starring opposite George Clooney in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind) is frequently in OC. Her mom and grandmother, it turns out, live in Laguna Hills. That fact, a quick check of our rules reveals, qualifies her for OC's Sexiest People. Is she sexy? On the minus side, she refers to acting with Adam Sandler as "my work." She starred in Days of Our Lives, which doesn't look like work, never mind acting. She was raised in Texas—the Australia of North America and home of the first retarded president in American history. She fails to punch in the fucking face the Stuff reporter who asks her for turn-ons (Southern men) and turn-offs ("clingy, dependent, possessive or crazy" men). On the plus side, she tells Stuff, "If I were a spy, I'd want to be Emma Peel." So would we! Isn't that weird?!
5. Joe Millionaire. Sure, Steve Lowery screamed and yelled during the editorial-meeting vote—mmmm, editorial meetings!—that putting Evan Marriott in our Sexiest People issue is letting the terrorists at Fox win. But Steve is not a woman—no, really, he's not! Is Evan Marriott a caveman? Sure. But what's not to like about big (at six-five, really big) and stupid (really stupid)? And we won't even mention those underwear ads. When the Capistrano Beach construction worker blew through a toll booth on the 73 last September, he was striking a blow for the common (really common) man. And now that snobby Allison has been dismissed and that whiny princess Melissa has been jettisoned, here's hoping that whiny victim Zora wins. She'll be the only one who's happy anyway when they all find out he's just a big, dumb, handsome loser. That $50 million had her all freaked out!
6. Orange County Sheriff Mike Carona. Forget the uniform—tan polyester is overrated. Forget the charm and the chattiness and the easygoing joviality (Carona was born to run for governor). But never forget the gun. Sure, we're knee-jerk anti-NRA here in the Che Guevara Memorial Building, but, well, how can you resist such a dangerous, hard, steely taboo? It's right . . . there. On his hip. And it kind of makes you want to . . . you know . . . grab it and fire the thing off and suck the smoke in through your nostrils. Though we've never actually touched the sheriff beyond the most respectable handshake, a woman friend of ours who hugged him leaned over to us after and stage-whispered, "Did you feel the sheriff? He is hard! Absolutely hard!" She nodded sagely. "He works out!" We'll take any workout he wants to inflict.
7. Your World Champion Anaheim Angels. They're so humble. And hardworking. And win-one-for-the-teamy. There's no Barry Bonds skulking in the background, refusing to so much as take a picture with the rest of the guys. (Happily, there's also no Barry Bonds dropping the same ball three times before managing to throw it home.) No, there's just MVP Troy Glaus, being all big and gorgeously all-American on the teevee (though in person he's rather more like wallpaper). There's pitcher Brendan Donnelly, who on television looks like a big, goggles-wearing doofus but who in person is beefcake-hot—so embarrassingly hot, in fact, you can't make eye contact because he'll know you're just a groupie skank gay boy at heart. There's adorable shortstop David Eckstein, whom you just want to take to your bosom and squeeze like a puppy. There's Adam Kennedy, who's kind of spindly, but that doesn't stop the groupies. And there's the doughy but still sleek Tim Salmon. And there's first baseman and Sandfrog front man Scott Spiezio. No, he still hasn't washed his hair.
8. Your Mom. Your mom is hot!
9. Haley Horton. People are always so shocked when something besides a cheap inanity tumbles out of Haley Horton's pretty mouth—and we've yet to hear an inanity from Haley. How could she be talking about art and philosophy and current events? She's, you know, a bartender! That she's also a photographer and actually has a college degree helps to alleviate people's befuddledness, if she deigns to explain it. But then she smiles like Julia Roberts, and people get befuddled all over again. Haley has been quick to make Costa Mesa home since moving back from San Diego by hanging with the Memphis Mafia. But she's not really at home amid the cliquish and stylish Costa Mesa 500. She'd rather hang with someone with a brain, so long as someone else's pouring drinks.
10. Laurie Hassold. The Costa Mesa sculptor wears black-leather mini skirts. She is six feet tall—at least five of which are legs, legs, legs. She is blonde. And she likes to make art out of dead stuff, and then stand around and pet it. Just think: if you were dead, maybe then she would pet you!
11. Brian from Wonderlove. There are a thousand yummy rock stars in this county we call Orange. But the yummiest for right now is the tall, kind, open guitarist for Wonderlove (also home to the charmingly addled Dave Beste and the enthusiastic, Teutonic drummer Dickie). Brian has gravity-defying Sideshow Bob hair. We've witnessed rock-star theatrics worthy of an arena even while he was suffering a temperature that should have been treated at the nearest ICU. Also, his fiancee is supernice, and sometimes he wears a boa!
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Photo by James Bunoan
12. Kelly O. The Long Beach artist/Dibs girlfriend is smokin'-hot. If you were Chris Hanlin, you could come home from a long day in the studio, and she'd be there, painting in the nude! But you're not Chris Hanlin. Too bad. The rest of us just get to see her at any and all LBC-related gigs, dancing sexily at the front of the stage (with the rest of Long Beach's arty beauties, who ain't chopped liver either). But oh, what a treat! Perhaps she'll be in a Carmen Miranda number, or a spangly, midriff-baring evening gown she made herself. Sometimes, her dresses are cut so high, you can almost see her womanly core, but if you think you glimpsed it, she probably tricked you by wearing beige panties. She's a trickster, that one!
13. Cuauhtmoc.Looks-wise: they're okay. Availability: all taken, ladies and gay gents. But the once four-, currently six-, soon-to-be five-member group (lead singer Coyotl is moving back to Guerrero, Mexico, so he can work his ailing grandfather's farm—how sexy is that?!) derive their too-hot-to-trot status from putting their lyrics where their actions are. Not only do they sing about bettering their communities, but they also organize parent- and kid-friendly punk events. Not only do they attack Bush's looming war, but they also helped organize the 600-plus-people anti-war rally a couple of weeks back at the Nixon Library. Not only do they rail against the police, but they also battle cases of police misconduct without fear. And Cuauhtmoc's ruthlessly beautiful punk—Indian flutes with distorted guitars, please!—makes the most chaste straight-edger sweat a little.
14. Carolina Sarmiento. The lovely seoritarecently turned 23 and hosted a birthday party attended by judges (her father Sal), professors (her mother Socorro) and the clergy (family friend Bishop Jaime Soto). Such a powerful support network allowed Sarmiento to undertake her dream: the Centro Cultural de Mxico, a downtown Santa Ana space that takes Koo's Art Caf's concept of a community forum but actually attracts the community surrounding it. Her Centro is the type of place that might hold a talk on the genocide of the Americas one afternoon; feature an all-Chicano punk, all-Santa Ana slate the following night; and teach English-literacy classes to adults each weekend. But what makes Sarmiento so attractive is a personality so friendly, political and driven that adults can once again believe in the revolutionary promise of youth.