The Commie Girl Guide to Club Etiquette

Photo by Jeanne RiceSo how come you can't get any fly girlies to chat you up and rub up against you when all around you everyone's half-naked and about to get it on? There you are at John Huntingtonand Damien Sanders' Club Rubberat the Galaxy Concert Theatre, and you can't get no love! What the hell's wrong with you?

Well, lots. But for starters, it's your manners.

It's time—and not a minute too soon—for Commie Girl's Guide to Club Etiquette. Sweetie, you need it.

1. Don't be ugly. Not "Don't act ugly," but "Don't be ugly." This is immensely valuable when it comes to makin' time with the hot strippers who are all around you. Also, if you can at all help it, don't be short.

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2. Don't hit people in the eye. It is perfectly acceptable to groove with your glow sticks at the edge of the walkway so you can spot your chosen sweetie in the stream of beauties parading the perimeter of the club. But if you can't control your glow stick and keep hitting people in the face with it, just put it in your mouth and use your powers of hypnosis instead.

3. Personal space; sorry, but it's true. If you're dancing on a woman and she keeps backing up, that is not an invitation for you to get closer again. Perhaps she needs a little extra space so she can balance in those heels. If you persist in dancing close when she is backing up, she will probably fall, and then she will be full of shame, and you won't be gettin' any. Do yourself a favor: wiggle your bodily charms about (that little hip thrust is particularly effective) and let her fall on you for support.

4. She doesn't have to talk to you. If you grab a girl by the arm (or left tit, as the case so often is) to stop her and chat her up while she is making her way around a circuit of the club (which, by the way, she is doing so she can see if there's anyone hot that she wants to talk to), then she does not need an excuse to leave your presence, just as you didn't need an excuse beyond, "Girl, you lookin' good tonight" to detain her. She may saucily walk away after giving her name, without a goodbye or even an "I've got to find my friend." She owes you nothing. Ladies, it's best to smile while owing nothing so you don't look like a stuck-up ho.

5. Share. Got a joint? Clubs are far more fun for the stoned than for the sober. The heat, which makes a sober person feel like an amoeba rising from the primordial soup, all of a sudden becomes merely tropical. The crowds, with whom a stoned person is more comfortable making lingering eye contact, are now all possible friends. The sweat, which before had been splashed about in the most disgusting manner, is now just another a badge of a good time. Let the girl of your choice in on the action.

6. Always offer to buy her a drink. This way, if she doesn't want to talk to you, she has a chance to get herself lost while you're at the bar. And then you've got two drinks! Everyone's a winner!

7. Ain't no wimmens gonna be impressed by you yelling at the valet. They're busy. They have a whole lot of cars to get at once, and then they have to stand there and hold the door and wait for you to drunkenly notice that your car arrived five minutes ago. Plenty of wimmens, however, will be impressed if you drive a Mercedes-Benz.

So we popped in at the latest meeting of the Eleanor Roosevelt Gay and Lesbian Democratic Club to check out the food and interior decorating at the gorgeous home of Bob Boruddin Santa Ana's Flower District. Both the food and the dcor, as expected, were far above breeder par. (And really, we think "lesbian" ought to come before "gay" in the title; it's the Eleanor Roosevelt club, who at last report was a woman. Why do lesbians always take second in this movement?) But our ostensible purpose was to hear a talk by Mike Marshall, the statewide campaign director of No on Knight. The Pete Knight Initiativereads quite simply, "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

Oh, those dastardly gay-unfriendlies! Marshall pointed out that this is how California law already reads; aside from lacking any coherent kind of explanation as to why your marriage might need to be defended from committed gay relationships, any initiative would be used to further the screechy gay-hating agenda of extremists like local Croesus Howard Ahmansonand wiggers at The Family Research Council, home of terrifying presidential candidate Gary Bauer, the Lizard King. Bauer's and the FRC's Web sites read with the shrill hystericism of a eugenics manual. They don't like evolution, they don't like hate-crimes legislation, and they don't like gays! In other states, initiatives like these have been used to challenge even simple graces like hospital-visitation rights for lovers. Here, they could be used to end gay adoption—even ban gay teachers, though California voters refused to do that themselves when they had the chance with the Briggs Initiativein 1978. Californians are inherently fair—unless, of course, you're Mexican. Then forget about it.

But the Family Research Council? They're really not very nice people. And they don't dress very well, either.

Aside from a nattily dressed Jim Toledano—former local head of the Democratic Party whose name tag waggishly proclaimed, "No Comment"—we also spied violet-eyed activist Jeff Le Tourneauand met Susan, who is just about the sweetest lesbian on God's green Earth and was getting mocked mercilessly by a couple of bitchy queens for having brought Schlitz malt liquor and rose wine to the last meeting in her capacity as food person. We would have drunk the Schlitz, Susan! But not the rose. . . .

For more information on the effort to stop the Knight Initiative, check out Donations can be sent to Californians for Fairness, 505 Howard St., San Francisco, CA 94105. No pipe bombs, please. And if you—yeah, I'm talking to you—are going to send love letters to, you should probably include a picture.

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