Illustration by Bob AulHelp me! I'm trapped at In-N-Out, the covertly Christian operation that secretly preaches its religion to you, my unsuspecting customer. It's bad enough they print scripture on the bottoms of the drink cups we serve you. Then, at Christmas, they wanted us to wear "Merry Christmas" buttons on our uniforms. What about those of us who are Jewish? Celebrate Kwanzaa? Or my friend—I swear it ain't me—who's an atheist? Every month, we have to watch a corporate indoctrination program called Burger TV at store meetings. And what does the video begin with? A quote from the Bible! Yes, I could quit, but why? Please help me transform this beast from within!

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