Illustration by Bob AulSend anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations —changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOC Weekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at email@example.com.
To the ghoul who stole my Halloween decorations: I know something about karmic debts, so let me tell you about yours. You stole the first Halloween decorations my child ever helped put up outside our house. And when she awoke to find the house stripped clean of every pumpkin, black cat, ghost, streamer and wicked witch, she cried. So we went out together and bought more decorations and hung those yesterday. Then someone—you again?—stole those, too. So now I have to give my 4-year-old the lecture on the dark side of Halloween: evil people really do wander the Earth.
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I'm almost sure you don't read; otherwise, you'd recall the story a year or so back in which a kid stealing Halloween decorations got his head blown off by a man about as angry as I am. You're lucky I'm not into guns or capital punishment—but steal my kid's treats again and there'll be a special trick for you!