Illustration by Bob AulSend anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOC Weekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You were the golfer playing at the Monarch Links in Dana Point on Dec. 23 at about 4:30 p.m. I was walking my dog, heading home up Niguel Road from Salt Creek Beach. Three teenagers (two boys and a girl) were walking about 30 feet in front of me. You were part of a foursome playing a hole near the sidewalk. As the three kids walked by you, one yelled the old baseball chant, "Hey, batter, batter! Swing!" It was too much for you. You ran from the green, up a hill and shoved the teenager twice. I approached and stopped about 10 feet away; I don't know if it was me or my 90-pound dog, but you stopped. I asked the kid how old he was and if he was okay. So here's the information: you, a 35- to 40-year-old man, attacked a 14-year-old boy. In case you care, he wasn't hurt; just a little embarrassed. I wanted to tell you what I thought of you, but being a 110-pound female, I was concerned for my safety. But let me say this now: kids will be kids. They can get on everyone's nerves sometimes. Have a sense of humor—it's not the kid's fault your golf game sucks. With your behavior being what it is now, I find it hard to believe you were a perfect teenager. You were playing golf, not performing surgery. It's just a game. Maybe you should just stay home and watch the WWF in a Pabst Blue Ribbon-stained wifebeater—I'm sure you have one. By the way: nice behavior two days before Christmas. Merry Christmas to you, too.