Illustration by Bob AulTo every woman I've ever known: You are psychotic. Without your loving contributions the world might make some sense. I shed a tear.
To my delusional ex-girlfriend who proclaimed with heart-wrenching sorrow the need that I become a permanent part of her life while she banged my "good" friend on the side . . .
To the girl who recently named me her "poopsy," for crying out in horror when I attempted to get off the phone with her after a 17-hour conversation about nothing . . .
To my raving lunatic of an ex-boss who stiffed me for cash, anally raped me and claimed I had Alzheimer's when she realized she left her brain in the Volvo 10 years ago . . .
To the legions of girls working part-time as venomous eye-candy, for exclaiming, "Who the fuck are you?" when confronted with the possibility of dancing with a male at the club . . .
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To the herds, the flocks and the gaggles of women around the world who save themselves for that special someone who will always treat them like shit . . .
To all: friends, roommates, family members and women of the world . . .
. . . Thank you for your endless extraterrestrial interactions. You are all fucking crazy!
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations —changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOC Weekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at email@example.com.