This is Steve's clock.
This is Steve's clock.

Diary of a Mad County

Wednesday, Nov. 9
Well, well, well, well, well: Who's the homosexual now?! We wake up to find that all four of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot initiatives were defeated in last night's completely useless election. Schwarzenegger appeared at the end of the evening and, as if none of this had ever happened, started talking about how everyone needed to work together under a spirit of cooperation and love and puppies. Democrats and organized labor said they'd consider Schwarzie's offer but, frankly, they really enjoyed bitch-slapping him around. Schwarzenegger was so humbled that he was left to whine about the mean things the opposition said about him; this would be the opposition of firefighters, teachers, nurses and legislators that he had called bums, crooked, root of all the state's problems and, of course, "girlie men." With his approval numbers hovering somewhere in that nether region between Dick Cheney and eye cancer, Schwarzenegger flees to China, where his broken English and disdain for worker's rights figure to fit right in with an economy built on slave labor.

Thursday, Nov. 10
One thing the election did prove is that Neal Kelley is a helluva registrar. Yeah, man, that Neal Kelley will kick you some ass. I'm not exactly sure what a registrar does, but Kelley, OC's acting registrar of voters, does it well. There are few complaints about problems at polling sites, and his agency does a good job of getting updated results posted on its website. And those results just go to prove what a bellwether region Orange County has become. Yes siree, if Orange Countians vote yes on something, you can pretty much be assured that that something is dead. While each of Schwarzenegger's props went down to defeat—convincing defeats in most cases—the Orange County vote not only approved all four measures, but approved them by a wide margin, the closest vote being for Proposition 76, which limited state spending and which won 55 percent to 45 percent. Yes, Orange Countians certainly do have their finger on the state's pulse . . . only that's not the state's pulse and they really should look into washing their hands.

Friday, Nov. 11
Happy Veterans Day! We celebrate the brave men and women whose service and sacrifice have assured Americans of the right to vote convicted felons into office. No, no, no, Steve. We don't elect convicted felons, we elect people who become convicted felons. Haven't you ever been to Huntington Beach? Well, yes, but I suggest everyone who's interested in streamlining government take themselves a trip to Riverside County, a little slice of heaven just west of Hemet known as the Romoland School District. There, Randy Logan Hale was elected to the school board despite the fact that Randy Logan Hale was and is incarcerated at the state prison in Chino. What do I keep telling you about people with three names? Hale is obviously a man who dreams big dreams, and so be assured that he's not in the big house on some trumped-up violation of some little-known election statute. Nope, Hale has been convicted of several felonies, man-type felonies, you know, robbery, spousal abuse, drug possession and parole violations. Apparently voters connected with Hale's ability to set goals and follow through. Local and state officials are looking into what to do about Hale's election. One election official pointed out that Hale may be disqualified because to run for office, one must be a registered voter, and to be a registered voter, one must swear one is not in prison or on parole for a felony conviction. Of course, George W. Bush swore to uphold the Constitution, and he's still in office.

Saturday, Nov. 12
Saw Pride & Prejudice today with my daughter and loved it. Walking out of the theater, though, I was once again struck by this horrible need people have to comment on things, and I know this sounds hypocritical coming from a guy who blabs his opinion in a newspaper, but at least you can toss this any time you want. What do you do when you're caught behind some guy in shorts, black shoes and white socks who says, "Oh, I liked it. But I still consider the A&E production to be the definitive Pride and Prejudice. I especially liked the way they handled everything to do with the dogs."

Sunday, Nov. 13
A lovely day.

Nov. 14: Zzzz

Monday, Nov. 14
James L. Doti is the president of Chapman University and, according to the mattress ad, Southern California's leading economic pundit. Yes, apparently the fine folks at Custom Comfort Mattress Company know a lot about James L. Doti, and apparently they have the photographs to go along with that knowledge, because somehow they manage to "persuade" Doti, the president of Chapman University and a pundit, to pose for their mattress ad in the Daily Pilot. Look, there's Doti, perhaps in pre- or post-punditing form, standing in front of an acre-sized mattress that makes him look less pundit and more elf. The mattress, as they are wont to do, is sitting at the foot of some very educated-looking building—columns, steps—while supporting the full few grams of Doti's pixie body. There he stands, ready for sleep in his business suit, holding a cup of coffee and a copy of the school paper. The ad says: "Orange County's business leaders are always on the move, but still need time to rest and rejuvenate. In their tireless efforts to improve the community and the economy, they have learned a quality mattress can't help them sleep more, but it can help them sleep better." Now, you ask, why, why, why, whyyyyyy would anyone care what James L. Doti sleeps on, which, as I said, looking at the ad, appears not to be a mattress but an enchanted polka-dot mushroom? I have no idea. I do know this is one of the stupidest college-related things I have ever seen, and this is coming from someone who attended Long Beach State, where we do stupid right.


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