Motley Crue singer Vince Neil was charged with domestic violence in Las Vegas on Friday after allegedly poking his ex-girlfriend in the arm during an argument.
Neil, 50, has vowed to fight the charges in court, which means we will all be treated to hilarious footage of the glam rocker testifying in a designer suit and ponytail while trotting out a cadre of gaudy showbiz character witnesses.
What's in store for the "Home Sweet Home" singer if he's found guilty? Jail time seems a stretch for the otherwise amiable party dude, but court-ordered counseling is almost guaranteed.
We looked into different treatments out there and ran them by a therapist (who asked to remain anonymous) to see which one might help Neil keep his hands to himself.
Court-ordered group therapy is the norm for domestic violence perps, who typically must sit in circles of 12 and hash out their animosities toward women while learning less combustible ways to settle arguments. Cost-effective and justly demeaning to participants, "group" can be a learning experience for some, a drag for others. How about for Neil?
The Pros: "As an entertainer, Mr. Neil is paid to engage large crowds of strangers. He's a people person. He's comfortable in groups. He could get a lot out of it."
The Cons: "Mr. Neil could be a major distraction. I would be wary of him in any group that I was leading. The temptation would be great to ask him stories about groupies and that sort of thing. Not just for the other participants, but for the therapist, too. I mean, he's the singer for Motley Crue."
Equine-Assisted Therapy is a newer treatment in which people learn to manage their emotions by caring for a horse.
The Pros: "Horses are nonjudgmental, so Mr. Neil could learn to develop a healthy relationship without the fear of being rejected. Horses are very reactive to human behavior; they really pick up on everything. A horse could help Mr. Neil become more in touch with his feelings."
The Cons: "If Mr. Neil gets on a horse while intoxicated he might fall off and break his neck."
The Ramones wrote a fun pop song about it ("Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment") and Lou Reed was an adolescent recipient of this controversial therapy. If it helped these icons onto their respective, artistic paths, could a few thousand volts of juice to the skull work for Neil?
The Pros: "None. It's not appropriate for a man like him."
The Cons: "Everything. There is no reason to do this to him. I get the impression that you want to see it happen to him, that you would enjoy seeing it."
The Church of Scientology staunchly opposes most mainstream mental-health care in favor of its own treatments. Could the controversial religion of all those glittery A-list actors rid Neil of his illegal impulses?
The Pros: "I really don't want to comment on those guys, but what the hell. Send him over there. Mr. Neil looks out of shape so he might benefit from all the physical labor."
The Cons: "All their jargon might be beyond his comprehension. He doesn't strike me as a science-fiction fan, either."
The Pros: "[Laughs] It would certainly calm him down. Judging from songs like `Girls, Girls, Girls,' I doubt a lobotomy would affect his ability to remember his lyrics."
The Cons: "Not to be mean, but he doesn't seem like he has much gray matter to spare."
For some young or first-time violent offenders, participation in a mentoring group is offered in lieu of jail time. Could a tender-hearted, older role model keep Neil on the straight and narrow?
The Pros: "You mean like Big Brothers? You want Vince Neil to get a Big Brother, like someone to play catch with him? Sure. It wouldn't hurt."
The Cons: "His mentor would have to set firm limits and provide Mr. Neil with clear instructions. He would have to approach Mr. Neil as if he was working with a hyperactive child."
For other offenders without violent histories, judges may order them to attend a behavioral- modification boot camp.
The Pros: "The routine is effective in teaching certain young men discipline and helping them recognize that their actions have consequences."
The Cons: "Mr. Neil has issues with authority. He would be `the rebel' of the camp and distract the other participants."
Would Neil stage a revolt of some kind?
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"Yes, and now that you say it, I have this image in my head of Tommy Lee breaking him out of boot camp in the middle of the night."
Like a commando?
"Yes, like a commando."
Doctor's Orders: "Send him to group therapy."