If you watched the 83rd Annual Academy Awards show live in Hollywood, you're probably hung-over from having to take a swig every time Anne Hathaway changed outfits or every time an acceptance speech started with, "Wow, I wasn't expecting this!"
If such is the case, then it's necessary to review the goings-on of last night's Oscar broadcast and get some perspective (with a side of Chaser hangover cure) on just how you could have lost 50 bucks betting on Katy Perry for worst outfit when the beeotch didn't even show up! Yes, friends, dry that eye and wipe the spittle from the corner of your mouth because it's time to reflect on Oscar. (Cue sappy orchestral music)
This year, the Oscars were hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway because the Academy figured it'd be a good way to connect with younger viewers, and just like everything the Academy does to connect with younger viewers, it sucked--HARD. Why? Because the Academy is senile and therefore has no idea what a younger viewer might look like, let alone watch TV like.
That being said, it's a sad day in Hollywood when Anne "aren't I so toothy and wholesome and blech" Hathaway is carrying the edgy likes of James Franco in any capacity, but that's just what happened. Franco, who was also a nominee for Best Actor this year, probably shouldn't have rolled that blunt before the show and used that time instead to review some of his lines because homeboy was slackin' on his "hosting duties" (whatever the f*ck that means) big-time. But we won't rail on poor James here, there's a whole list below (not to mention a nation of TV critics) to do that just fine.
From start to finish, this year's Oscar ceremony was as anticlimactic as trying to get off to an Avon catalog. And just when you started to hope Kanye might pop out and start ranting about how Lil Wayne had the best platinum grill of all time (of all time!!) to liven things up, Kirk Douglas comes out and saves the show with his cheeky-but-sweet presentation of the Best Supporting Actress award.
So, in case you missed the show, or you aren't puking up Oscar stuff just quite yet, we have our list of Oscar-night "Hearted" and "Hated" moments to dry heave to this fine Monday. Enjoy!
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1. Auto Tune Mix: another attempt by the Academy to get in step with the cool kids. Good news is that Justin Timberlake Andy Samburg will likely turn their Social Network song into an SNL short rightfully called "D*ck in Your Face(book)."
2. Franco hosting live from the Pineapple Express. Not necessarily a bad thing in theory, but not as entertaining in real life as it would first seem.
3. Franco in a leotard. Looks like someone canceled his gym membership after the filming of 127 Hours wrapped.
4. Franco in drag. (Okay, no more Franco on this list for while. He will be missed.)
5. True Grit had 10 nominations and won zero
6. Anne Hathaway and that "Brown Duck" f*ckery. Ugh.
7. A skinny Jennifer Hudson. Just like a Fat Drew Carey, we miss Fat Jennifer.
8. Matthew McConaughey and his weird unibrow/pimple/small-planet-between-his eyes upstaged on the red carpet by his über-hot better half.
9. Banksy's Exit Through the Gift Shop loses for Best Documentary.
10. The Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis "animated app for that" line.
11. Mark Walberg's underlying sour puss peaking through after every actor from The Fighter won or was nominated, except for him.
12. Trent Reznor's "Party of Five" haircut
13. Atticus Ross looks like Lurch
14. Kevin Spacey didn't host when he really, really should have. (Maybe next year. . . .)
15. Oprah presenting anything. Period.
16. Jennifer Hudson mispronouncing A.R. Rahman's name as, "A.R. Rack-man." Looky here, Jen--Rahman is much bigger than you now that you've lost the weight, so he can clock you Slumdog-style if you don't get it right!
17. Katherine Biglow and her big tranny shoulders in her big, red tranny dress.
18. Florence and the Machine sitting in for Dido. Did anyone even notice Dido was supposed to sing the song to begin with?
19. Anne Hathaway.
20. Michelle Williams nominated for Best Actress. Michelle, thy name is "overrated."
21. Toy Story 3 winning over How to Tame Your Dragon
22. Gwyneth Paltrow singing that god-awful song from her god-awful movie.
23. Melissa Leo using Kirk Douglas' cane to exit the stage. Trashy, even for Lowell, Massachusetts.
24. Snooki failing to crash the Governor's Ball after the show. A travesty.
25. Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor.
26. Christian Bale's "Groundskeeper Willy" beard.
27. Gwyneth Platrow on the red carpet telling Tim Gunn she would pick Jay-Z if she could do a duet with anyone in the world.
28. No mention of Justin Bieber the entire evening.
29. Ditto on Snooki.
30. Kirk Douglas presenting Best Supporting Actress--legendary in more ways than one.
31. Cate Blanchet's "Judy Jetson-meets-Annie Lenox for a day of croquette and crumpets" dress.
32. Melissa Leo's classy dress.
33. Melissa Leo's trashy F-bomb moment while accepting the award for Best Supporting Actress.
34. Mila Kunis' "wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen" dress.
35. Mila Kunis in general.
37. Aron Sorkin wins Best Adapted Screenplay for The Social Network.
38. The way the whole room got up for Billy Crystal, even JT.
39. Finding out Bob Hope once flipped off Billy Crystal. Priceless.
40. Warren Beatty and Annette Benning as the "elder states-couple" of Hollywood.
41. Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. as the "not-so-closeted gay couple" of Hollywood.
42. Celine Dion singing Michael Jackson's favorite song, "Smile," during the Memoriam montage.
43. Halle Berry's skin.
44. Tribute to Lena Horne--"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's how you carry it."
45. Hilary Swank had the most gorgeous gown of the night and Chad Lowe not being there to blubber all over it.
46. Finding out that the idea to make The King's Speech came from the director's mama.
47. Hathaway calling out her own flub and instructing us to drink for her sins!
48. Colin Firth wins Best Actor.
49. The King's Speech wins Best Picture.
50. "I just got a text message from Charlie Sheen."
51. Oscar's pro-union politics.
52. Natalie Portman giving a shout-out to her hair and makeup crew during one of the longest acceptance speeches in Oscar history.
53. Natalie Portman knowing she can get away with giving one of the longest acceptance speeches in Oscar history simply because she knows that if the Academy ever wants to see her touch herself onscreen again, they'd have to let her give however long a speech she damn well pleased!
54. Anne Hathaway can sing?!