Timothy Norris Ladies, let's not stand for this.
But while frat parties have long been gross, the reality is that girls will keep showing up to such events as long as there is EDM and blue UV vodka. And so we offer step-by-step suggestions on how college gals can respond to this stupid manual -- and shut down these smug, collar-popped asshats.
We begin where the Phi Kappa Tau letter begins: with introductions. The writers instruct:
First, introduce yourself and get their name, ask if they are having a good time, and then ask if they want anything to drink. If they say yes, walk them to the bar and tell them what we have to drink.
This might seem like basic polite party behavior, but since a fraternity is an alternate universe, it's best to assume the worst. So, first, make up a fake name, preferably something foreign and hard to pronounce. Then procure your own red plastic cup of Natty Ice, and make sure to keep your eye on it, lest it be roofied.
The letter continues:
If they say no and they look like they are in a sorority, ask them if they are in a sorority (DUH). If not, choose one of the following: where are you living, where are you from, have you been here before, how are classes going, or where all have you been tonight. Then proceed to have a conversation.
Tell him you're living in a utility closet in student union, that classes are mostly focused on medieval weaponry and that you've got bad gas from all the Mexican food you ate earlier.
Here is how to dance: Grab them on the hips with your 2 hands and then let them grind against your dick. After that slowly alternate between just putting your hand across their stomach, but make sure don't to go to high (keep it under the boob) or too low (dont try to finger her... yet).
Slowly distance yourself from his raging genitals, putting your hands across your chest and making sure to tell him how much he reminds you of your brother every time he grazes your tits. Try not to slap him across the face...yet.
If she starts putting her hair over her ear, THAT MEANS SHE WANTS A KISS. Therefore, try to give her a kiss on the cheek. They usually like that and nothing really should become of it.
That probably doesn't mean that. But when he pulls this move, try biting at his his face while making growling noises. Although, they usually like that.
If for some reason they aren't down for a cheek kiss, just dance through it or say you are going to get another drink and see if they want one. And then repeat from the beginning.
When he gets back with that drink, enthusiastically do the hokey pokey.
If the party is going good (a.k.a. there are a lot of open girls) try to escalate cause it's awesome. Here is how to escalate: Try to twist her hips around to face you and dance front to front. FROM THERE THE OPTIONS ARE UNLIMITED! You can make-out with her (tongue on tongue), you can stick your hand up her shirt (not right away though), you can go for a butt grab (outside or inside the shirts), or use your imagination.
Indeed, the options are unlimited. You can throw your drink in his face, slap his hands, go for a groin kick, stare at him with crazy eyes until he gets freaked out and walks away, or pull out your phone, call your dad and have him talk to this joker. Use your imagination.
ALWAYS START WITH THE MAKING OUT!!!! NO RAPING.
OH HAHAHAHA NO RAPING.
A short guide consist of the 7 E's of HOOKING UP! 1. Encounter (spot a girl or group of girls) 2. Engage (go up and talk to them) 3. Escalate (ask them to dance, or ask them to go up to your room or find a couch, depending on what kind of party) 4. Erection (GET HARD) 5. Excavate (should be self-explanatory) 6. Ejaculate (should also be self explanatory) 7. Expunge (send them out of your room and on their way out when you are finished.
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Behold the 7 E's of aversion: 1. Explain (to this dude that you're not interested in him) 2. Exploit (the guy's stupidity for your own personal entertainment) 3. Emasculate (should be self explanatory) 4. Embarrass (should also be self explanatory) 5. Expose (the guy as the d-bag that he is) 6. Exit (this rape trap of a party) 7. Eat (nachos with your friends in the student union).
In luring rapebait, [name reducted]
In defending common sense, all ladies everywhere