How to Be a Rockabilly Guy

• -Make sure grime is embedded under your fingernails at all times; claim it's from working on your '49 Merc.

• -Learn to recognize the subtle textural and aromatic distinctions between Royal Crown, Dixie Peach and Murray's pomades; discuss in depth amongst peers.

• -Black-leather jackets, fishnet stockings, rumbles, tattoos, hot rods, and girls named "Betty Lou" or "Effie Mae" must be incorporated into any song deemed acceptable listening.

• -Drink cheap, piss-tasting domestic beer from a can; speak derisively of all superior brands as "beer in a green bottle."

• -Be a hardcore Republican, even though you earn minimum wage at your gas-station job and can't name the current vice president.

• Attend a show at the Doll Hut; glare menacingly at anyone who doesn't look like you.

• -Claim you always hated the Stray Cats; hide Cats logo you had tattooed on your chest at age 16.

• Steel guitars are acceptable only when lacking pedals.

• -Refuse to listen to black performers or acknowledge R&B's influence on rock & roll, which was single-handedly begat by Elvis.

• -If balding, shave your dome and become a skinhead instead of a rockabilly. Now you can openly hate black people!


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